


Fallback

by WrappedUp (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Happy Ending, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Romance, Summer, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-07 18:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21462706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/WrappedUp
Summary: Sirius Black has slowly come to terms with the fact that he likes Remus Lupin; maybe even loves him. This revelation is not unwelcome, exactly, but not compatible with his reputation as Hogwarts' most eligible bachelor. Besides, Remus is straight. Isn't he?The Marauders spend the summer together at the end of their sixth year. Sirius is definitely going to survive a full eight weeks without letting his guard down, right?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 186





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure - I started this fic a whopping 11 years ago under a different name on a different site. Always thought I might finish it. Got carried away recently and did a full rewrite and doubled the length. Am now a fully grown woman with a proper job, husband, mortgage, etc. Whatever, it’s still fun and can’t promise I won’t do more. Enjoy!

The Marauders were bored. Collectively, incredibly bored. 

Usually, boredom hit them at different times. For instance, Sirius usually got bored in that pesky hour before dinner when his belly rumbled and his homework lay woefully abandoned at the foot of his bed, while Remus dutifully did his in the library. 

Peter got bored during the school holidays, especially when his whingeing tween sister wouldn’t shut up about her latest celebrity crush or which colour she was going to dye her hair next. 

James got bored in History of Magic, whenever Professor Binns opened his ancient little mouth, and even more so when Lily Evans sat behind him, meaning that he could not admire her lovely auburn hair, or the gentle curve of her porcelain-white neck. 

Remus seldom got bored, although it had been known to happen: when he was caught without a good book, for example, or during those endless prefect meetings when it felt like nobody but him could make a decision. 

On this lazy, overcast Saturday in early summer, however, their boredom was palpable, hanging thick and oppressive in the air, and each of them felt it keenly. 

They thought, perhaps, that they could sneak off to Hogsmead under the cloak, but they eschewed this idea as they realised that they had grown far too gangly to all fit underneath without their socks showing. 

They considered paying a visit to the house elves in the kitchen, who always cooed at them and showered them with more pumpkin pasties than were strictly healthy for a growing lad, but breakfast was not long past and more food seemed greedy, even to them. 

James had the bright idea of learning how to cast a perming charm, to use on Sirius’s hair. Sirius entertained the idea until he remembered an article he’d read which suggested that perms were beginning to go out of fashion. He decided not to risk it, but insisted that he could probably still pull it off. He gave James the option of tattooing ‘something cool’ on his bum cheek, but James wasn’t sure he wanted such an intimate view of his best friend’s derriere, nice as it was. 

“What we need is a good old fashioned prank.” Sirius opined. “It’s been a while, lads, and our reputation as the greatest tricksters in Hogwarts history will be in jeopardy if we don’t pull our socks up.” 

“Padfoot, we pranked Filch yesterday, remember?” Peter guffawed. 

“Ah yes, the classic dung bomb in his drawers routine - an oldie but a goodie,” he nodded enthusiastically. “But that wasn’t exactly the sort of gesture which will ensure we go down in infamy, is it? We need to think bigger, bolder... wetter.” 

“Wetter?” Remus sighed. “Do I even want to ask?”

“You’re a prefect, Moony. I don’t want to offend your sensibilities.” 

“I think my sensibilities will emerge in tact.” 

“Right then, here’s the plan...”

***

Sirius moaned theatrically as he collapsed on his sagging bed in the dormitory, the frame creaking as he did so. 

“What’s up, Pads?” his sandy-haired friend asked kindly.

“Naomi.” He sighed. 

“Oh God, what have you done to the poor girl now?” Remus enquired. Sirius looked back at him with mock disgust. 

“I have done nothing, my ignorant little pally. She on the other hand is driving me insane! I thought that once I let her touch my magic love stick, she might back off a bit. But of course nobody can get enough of my sweet, sweet loving.”

Remus scoffed and looked at his friend searchingly. “Maybe if you told her how you feel? Explain to her that you need a bit more space, perha-“ 

Remus was cut off abruptly. “Oh Moony! Sweet, romantic Moony. Alas, we can’t all be like you and your betrothed, you know. All talking and feelings and stuff.” He spoke as if a toddler just learning to talk; not entirely sure what these foreign words meant.

“Do you even know what betrothed means, Sirius? Joanna and I are not betrothed!”

“It means you’re courting like an old fashioned gent. It’s painful really, Remus! I mean, have you even shagged her yet?” 

“What the fuck’s that got to do with anything?” the taller boy spat out with a sudden venom Sirius had only seen a couple of times before. He stood, the bed creaking as he did so and towered murderously over his friend, who swallowed nervously.

“I’m just saying...” Sirius shrugged. 

“Well don’t! Don’t just say! Why not try thinking before you blurt these things out for once?” 

“I didn’t mean any-“

But Remus hadn’t finished. “And for your information, yes. Okay? Yes, we have shagged. Eight and a half times, actually, if we’re counting. Feel better now? Or do you want the play by play account?” The volume of Remus’s voice had risen gradually and Sirius felt like he had just taken a bludger to the stomach.

Remus huffed, mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like “massive bellend”, turned, and before Sirius could take everything in, he heard footsteps on the dorm stairs and the door into the common room slammed, leaving Sirius standing alone, mouth wide open, confused and upset.

“Fuck.” He whispered to the Remus-less room. 

***

James sighed, frustrated. He didn’t know why the two boys sitting either side of him weren’t talking. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but he knew the argument was making them both miserable so he decided to do his best to dissolve the tension as quickly as possible.  
“Hey guys, did you see that new girl? My God, she’s a looker! Romanian, apparently. Do you know her name?” He looked from side to side, hoping to elicit a response.

“Why don’t you ask Sirius? He’s probably fucked her already.” Remus glared past James to Sirius, who stared back, his stormy grey eyes intense and full of hurt. Remus felt a twinge of guilt, but also felt an accompanying little rush of triumph that he could hurt the usually infallible Sirius Black. Even as the thought crossed his mind, he mentally scolded himself; he didn’t want to hurt him, not really. He turned back to apologise, but saw only an empty chair. James’s words were lost as Remus sighed and sheepishly followed the dark haired boy out of the Great Hall, leaving a wave of murmurs and whispers in his midst. 

Sirius curled up in his bed, cursing himself for starting this stupid argument. He always knew just how to put his foot in it, but this time, his most valuable friendship was on the line. How could he be so stupid? He moaned as he pulled his bedspread right over his head, not hearing the door opening and closing gently. 

“Pads?” The familiar voice made Sirius feel warm with hope. He poked his head out from under his duvet. “Oh Sirius,” he exhaled on seeing his hurt young face, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s got into me.” Sirius felt Remus’s light frame perch on the end of his bed and glimpsed lined amber eyes, etched with concern. “I was an ungracious knobhead. And I’m sorry. I am. It was uncalled for.” Remus was greeted with silence. “Shit, Sirius, say something!”

“It was my fault, Moony.” Sirius sighed and glanced up with pious eyes, “Me and my big mouth as usual. It’s me who should be apologising. I don’t even really care whether you’re shagging Joanna. Or not shagging Joanna, shagging Snivellus, shagging a banshee. It’s all the same to me.”

Remus chuckled and squeezed Sirius’s duvet-clad foot fondly. He went to sit on his own bed, just feet away. “It’s alright,” he said, “I know we think differently about these things. About girls, I mean. You’re all impulse and gratification, sod the consequences. It’s the same with pranks. I never enjoy the moment as much as you do, because I’m busy fretting about the eventual ramifications.” 

Sirius fell silent. 

“Is that how you see me?” He asked eventually, his brow creasing as he laid down on his side to face Remus’s bed, propping his head up on his hand. “As just a shallow, pranking nymphomaniac?”

“Why do you care? We’re friends, aren’t we? I like you, philandering and all.” 

Sirius shuffled and began to look genuinely uncomfortable. 

“I care.” He mumbled. “Sometimes, Moony, I think you think I’m ridiculous. Substanceless, you know? And it matters to me that you know I’m not. Don’t bloody ask me why.”

“I don’t think that,” Remus shrugged. “You-“

“I mean, did you know that my Defence scores are better than anyone’s, Remus? Even yours and Evans’?” Sirius interrupted.

“Yes, I know that, Sirius.” 

“And did you know that I’m going to be an Auror? I’ve discussed it with Alastor Moody and Dumbledore and everything.” 

“No, I didn’t know that.” 

“And no, Remus, I’m not very good at building lasting relationships with girls. That is true. And yes, I do have a few notches on my bedpost. But did you ever think that maybe I would actually like a proper relationship? Something meaningful?”

“No,” Remus admitted. 

“But I don’t know how?” he laughed mirthlessly. “I don’t know how to force these feelings that just aren’t there, you know? The point is that it’s not just about sex and pranks for me.” Sirius grunted. “There’s more. I’m more.” 

“I... I’m sorry, Sirius, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I know.” Sirius nodded. “I know. Sorry, I’m just feeling a bit... spiky lately.”

Remus stood up and smiled softly, running a hand through his hair. “S’alright, you can be spiky,” he said gently before heading off to the bathroom. Sirius frowned to himself. He felt a little better. He was still concerned, though, that Remus thought of him as a shallow womaniser. But he supposed that none of his actions up to that point did much to challenge the assumption. He wondered whether he should make an effort to make things work with Naomi after all. 

First thing the next morning, the four Marauders were strolling slowly down to Herbology, pretending not to notice the ominous storm clouds rolling in overhead. 

“She’s really madly in love with me, she just doesn’t know it yet,'' James stated arrogantly. 

“Course she is Pads,” Remus chuckled, “in between all the hating your guts and wishing you were dead, she dreams of you every night. She just can’t get enough of you.”

James grinned “You never know. Maybe someday...”

“Oh no, he’s got that face on again. Soon he’ll be planning their wedding!” Sirius ruffled James’s hair affectionately as the first flat drops of rain pattered out of the sky.

Herbology was still five minutes’ walk away so the four boys began to spring across the ground, the rain intensifying as their pace quickened. James was the fastest of the group so he was streaking ahead of his friends while Peter lagged behind. Sirius ran at the same pace as Remus, side by side. He looked around at his friend and caught his eye, grinning mischievously. He couldn’t help but notice the way Remus’s eyelashes went all spidery in the rain and how he flicked his hair back unconsciously as he ran. He swallowed down a fairly large heart palpitation, suddenly feeling slightly uneasy. 

“Hey, come on you two! What’s up, can’t keep up with the master?” James shouted back to his friends. Sirius quickly turned his head back towards James, away from Remus. Both boys sped up and soon closed the gap so the three teenagers arrived at the greenhouse together, just in time for the lesson. They were soaked to the skin and grinning like mad. A few minutes later, Peter burst in, panting and puffing, much to the amusement of the other three.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey Pads, where’s Moony?” James asked as he strolled into the common room and spotted his friend sitting by the fire, chatting to a pretty fifth year girl with long blonde plaits who didn’t take kindly to being interrupted in the middle of being charmed by Sirius, the school’s best catch. 

“Hey mate, what’s up? He’s with that girl of his... erm, Josephine?” James could tell that he was faking; Sirius knew Joanna’s name. He just didn’t know why he refused to acknowledge that there might be a girl in Remus’s life who was important to him or who meant more than any of his own serial flings, but he didn’t push it. 

“Not much. I was just wondering whether he wanted to do my Transfiguration homework for me. You know how he enjoys it!” James laughed. 

“Speak of the devil!” Sirius grinned as his favourite werewolf clambered through the portrait hole, flicking his sandy hair out of his eyes and reflecting his friend’s grin with one of his own as soon as he caught his eye. Sirius felt a strange tugging sensation in his left rib and the girl sitting with Sirius, fed up with being overshadowed by his friends, tutted, flicked her hair and walked off to her dormitory. Sirius shook his head, perplexed. “Girls!” he sighed, smiling still. 

“Oh sorry mate, looks like you were in there!” Remus said genuinely. “Fifth year?” 

“Yeah, erm, Amy? Annie?” Sirius’s face was creased with concentration. 

“”Her name was Sarah, mate” James laughed. 

“Oh, well, yeah, I knew that.”

“You been with Joanna, Moony?” James inquired. 

“Yeah, we were down by the lake, but then it got dark so I thought I’d come back.” 

Sirius looked at the paisley carpet determinedly, trying to show his friends that he couldn’t care less about Remus’s antics, but James noticed anyway. 

“Down by the lake, eh? You sly dog!” James teased. 

“Nothing happened, pervert. We were just talking and stuff. Are you alright Pads?” His face was etched with concern for his friend. Nothing went unnoticed by Remus for long. 

“Yes thank you, Moony, I’m fine. Yessiree! All fine and dandy. Just wondering how to break up with Naomi.”

Sirius did not find it difficult to lie convincingly. He was a born actor. He’d had to lie to his family on numerous occasions such as last year when he told his mother he was staying with a good Slytherin friend, when in fact, he had spent a summer of laughter and lightness at James’s house with Remus. He lied to teachers on a daily basis: always the charmer, he got away with far fewer detentions than James did, much to the others’ disgust. Yes, he was tremendously good at lying. So good, in fact, that nobody had yet guessed that he was harbouring big, unignorable feelings for Remus John Lupin.

He hadn’t had these feelings for long, he didn’t think. Probably just a few months, maybe a year max, though it was hard to say for sure. And he couldn’t remember quite when things had crystallised in his mind. True, he’d always got on very well with Remus. They weren’t as close as he and James, who had reached honorary brother status early on in their time at Hogwarts. But Remus was, in a way, the calm to his storm; Remus who could still his whirring mind with just one touch; Remus who could let him know that a prank had gone too far with one tiny quirk of his eyebrow. But they had always just been fond of each other, in a friendly sort of way, nothing else. Not much else. And for a start, Sirius figured that he wasn’t gay or anything, not really. He was Sirius bloody Black! The most eligible bachelor at Hogwarts, famed for his prowess and knowhow in the bedroom. Girls (and some guys) threw themselves at him. Because, deny it though he might, Sirius was good looking. His jet black, shoulder length hair and steel-grey, twinkly eyes set him apart from any other boy at the school. Nobody, not even James, could compete with Sirius in the looks department. It was just a matter of fact. 

So when a few months ago, Sirius had started finding himself noticing little things about Remus, he hadn’t given it much thought. Things like the way he bit his bottom lip when he was nervous, or how he was so modest, even though he was the most brilliant wizard in the year. He noticed that his eyelashes were long and thick, and that his eyes were soulful and sad. Sirius found himself wishing that he could make those eyes happier. And sometimes he fought random urges to reach out and touch him, grab him, really. He began to wish that when Remus fell asleep on his shoulder in the common room, he would stay close to him for longer. He increasingly wished that he would break up with his wet blanket of a girlfriend. And sometimes he wished that he had him all to himself in a way that wasn’t strictly platonic. So gradually, he had begun to realise that he had a problem. 

Last month when the time for the full moon came, Remus went through a particularly rough transformation, leaving him unconscious for two days under the care of Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing. He had deep lacerations all over his back and legs, and his temperature was dangerously high. Sirius refused to leave his side until he woke up, terrified that this was one ordeal too many on Remus’s body and mind. 

Every few hours, he tenderly bathed and dressed his wounds, careful to be as gentle and swift as possible to minimise the pain. He did not dare sleep for 48 hours as he obsessively watched the rise and fall of Remus’s chest, petrified that it would cease its rhythmic movements. He touched his cool fingers to his forehead at least once an hour to see if his temperature was going down. When it eventually did and he finally woke up, Sirius cried real tears of pure relief, which he was quick to blame on seasonal allergies. He played down his actions and told himself that it meant nothing. Deep down, he knew that it meant an awful lot more than that. 

“You’re breaking up with Naomi?” Remus looked at his friend, trying to fathom the expression on his face. 

“Yeah, I think so. Yes, definitely. It’s just not fun anymore? And I’m not being fair to her because she wants more than I can give. Or more than I’m willing to give. I’m not sure.” Sirius sighed. Remus was concerned at his serious tone. “It’s a shame though, because she is smoking hot! And she loves quidditch almost as much as I do. Maybe even more.” Sirius added limply afterwards, but Remus thought the sentiment didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“Yeah, she’s okay. She’s no Lily though!” James added as an afterthought. 

“Uh-oh, here he goes” Sirius groaned “I’m taking that as my cue to go to bed” he grinned. “Night lads.” 

“Actually, an early night is exactly what the doctor ordered. I’ll come up too. Why don’t you try again with Lily, Prongs? I’ve found that being nice actually helps sometimes.” Remus chuckled. 

“Night, mate.”

The two boys ascended the stairs to the dormitory in a comfortable silence and both collapsed on their own adjacent beds. 

“Do you think they’ll ever get together?” Sirius pondered. 

“I have complete faith in him” Remus grinned. “Once she realises he’s not a complete cock, I’m sure they’ll get along just fine!” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I hope so. I mean, I’d marry him.” Sirius winked, then faltered slightly. “Do you ever wonder how he knows, Moony?” He said, almost in a whisper. 

“Knows what?” 

“You know... that she’s it. She’s the one, or whatever.” The black haired boy snuggled into his covers to avoid catching Remus’s eye. 

“Wow Pads, where’s this coming from? I don’t know how he does, I think he just does.” Remus realised he wasn’t making much sense. 

“It must be nice, knowing that there’s just one person for you; having found that person and everything,” Sirius mumbled and glanced over at Remus. “Do you think Joanna’s the one for you?” He could not meet his eye. 

“Oh Padfoot, I doubt it! I don’t think we’ll stay together for forty days, let alone forty years,” Remus said softly. “She’s okay and everything, we just don’t seem to have that much to talk about, you know? I don’t get it. She’s pretty and bright enough, but I just don’t love her. Might never love her. There isn’t that spark, that... heat.” 

Remus was blushing now and met Sirius’s eye, embarrassed. Sirius couldn’t help but think that his wonderful friend deserved love, heat and all. A girl who adored him as he adored him. A girl who would look after him like he looked after him. He knew that in his eyes, there would never be such a girl. 

“If you can’t make it work, Moony, surely the rest of us are screwed!” Sirius whined. “Do you think you’ve ever been in love?”

“No.” Remus answered immediately. “Do you?”

Now there was a question. Did he love Remus? Not yet, no. But would he? Could he? Oh yes. Yes, he thought he most certainly could. 

“No.” He shook his head. “No, definitely not.”

“Well, is there a girl you’ve got your eye on?” Remus inquired caringly. 

“Erm, well no. Well, sort of... I mean, I do like someone but they’re taken, and it’s just never going to happen.” 

Remus stared at Sirius incredulously. There was, apparently, a girl who was out of his reach, but he couldn’t fathom who she might be. She certainly didn’t go to Hogwarts. Sirius was the school’s most wanted guy. He could have any girl he liked. And Remus could certainly understand why. Even the straight guys at school could appreciate the beauty that was Sirius. He had that hair, those eyes and that smile. He oozed charm and nonchalance. Girls wanted him and guys wanted to be him. He was a wonderful, inspired car crash of a person and Remus thought him one of the worthiest of proper, ridiculous love. 

“Well, have you told the person you like them?” 

“No.” Sirius admitted. 

“So you couldn’t possibly know!” Remus insisted. “Come on Sirius, there isn’t a person in this school who doesn’t fancy you!”

“Wanna bet?” Sirius replied glumly. “Anyway, I’d like to subtly change the subject now, please.  
Give me some sage advice please - how should I break up with Nay?”

“Just tell her the truth. It’s not going to work. And you’re sorry. And take tissues!” Remus teased fondly. 

Ten minutes later, the two boys were still chatting when James stomped in looking decidedly dejected. “She hexed me!” he wailed. “She bloody hexed me, the beautiful, evil sorceress. And God I love her!” He collapsed on his bed, opposite to the beds of his two friends. Peter had been snoring noisily in the corner for half an hour, dead to the world. 

“What did you do this time, Prongs?” Remus queried. 

“I didn’t do anything! I only tried to smell her hair because it smells all nice and cinnamonny and then she grabbed me by the tie. There was a brief incident where she turned me into a lemon sundae. But then that Emma girl came along and unhexed me. Then she asked whether I’d like to go out with her some time. So I had to say yes because she’d helped me out of quite the pickle. But then Lily went all stroppy, like she didn’t want me to go out with Emma, which is stupid ‘cos she doesn’t want to go out with me! I don’t understand her!” he moaned. 

“Oh James, she finds you charming, she’s just annoyed about it and too proud to admit that she has feelings for you!” Sirius advised kindly. 

“Really? You think so!?” The two boys nodded sagely from across the room. 

“So I should keep trying then?” James’s expression was that of an excited child at Christmas.

“Yeah, but just try to be a little less... intense,” Sirius smiled. 

“Less intense? Right. So I shouldn’t have told her about the song I’m going to sing at our wedding then?” James looked bereft. The other boys could only do their best to hide their despair.


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius had done the deed. In an empty classroom at dusk. And it was horrible. Naomi had let out big, ugly sobs while Sirius uselessly tried to comfort her and assure her that no, the relationship had not meant nothing to him and no, he didn’t take his clothes off for just anyone. 

Her sobs gradually began to die down and his heart rate slowed to a normal pace. He watched Naomi sadly as she gathered herself, sniffed, raised her head proudly and spoke surely: “I’m gutted. I really am,” she confessed. “I felt like I was getting to know you properly; getting to see things that others didn’t. And you have truly excellent fingers. I’ll miss those bad boys even more than I’ll miss you. But the truth is that I didn’t stand a chance with you, Black. And it’s not really anything to do with me, is it?” She raised an eyebrow.

“No, as I said, it really isn’t you, it’s me!” 

“For once” she laughed snottily “I think that tired line is actually correct. Because I think there is a very good reason this didn’t work. I think you’re gay, aren’t you?” she surveyed him with piercing eyes, “Sirius?” 

Sirius physically crumpled before her and made a little noise as his stomach leapt into his mouth which told her that her suspicions were spot on. 

“I’m right, aren’t I?” she squinted at him appraisingly. 

“I don’t… know.” He looked straight into her beautiful doe eyes, still glistening with tears. “I don’t know.” 

“Look, I obviously don’t want you to be happy since I feel like turd right now and it’s all your fault. But maybe you should conduct a few experiments to…test the hypothesis.” She moved her hand as if she was thinking about touching his arm, but she thought better of it and shoved it determinedly into the pocket of her robes. 

“You’re such a Ravenclaw.” Sirius laughed.

“Ha! That I am.”

“How did you know? About the boy thing?” he asked. 

She blew her nose and stood up. “I told you, I see what others don’t. And I know because I could take my top off in the middle of the Great Hall and waggle my boobs right in your face. But you’d still only have eyes for Remus bloody fucking Lupin. You didn’t once look at me in that ridiculous, puppyish way, Black.”

“Oh. Oh, I see.” He nodded slowly. “I’d hoped I was being a bit more subtle than that.”

“About as subtle as a hand grenade. But in your defence, nobody else seems to have noticed, so you’re probably alright.” She looked at him fondly and sighed a little. “So yeah, time for me to go, I think. Goodbye, Fuckface. Best of luck with it all, and if it’s all the same to you, I’ll be taking your fingers with me.” 

“Bye, gorgeous. And I’m really sorry. Quite attached to my fingers, actually, but I could maybe stretch to a toe?” 

She winked bravely and closed the door behind her, leaving him alone to his shame, sat on a hard wooden desk in heavy silence. 

Gay. The word rattled around his head. Could I be? 

He had seen James naked a thousand times and hadn’t even felt a stirring. James was a good looking guy, right? So surely if he was gay, he would have felt… something. He shook his head. Trying to think about James that way was too strange. 

And what about Remus? Sirius wasn’t naive - he knew what gay men did together in bed. And he knew that his feelings for Remus were a little confused. But would he want to do those things with him? Would he want Remus to do those things to him?

The pleasant twinge in his stomach indicated that he did want that. Him. Cock and all. He cringed. So, he wanted Remus, properly fancied him. But what about other boys? Was it possible that he was still straight but with one key exception? 

He decided he would find out. 

He ran out of the classroom, sprinted through the corridors and out into the grounds. The air was thick with anticipation as he strode with purpose to the Gryffindor quidditch dressing rooms where he knew he would find-

“Joe!” 

“Hey Black, getting in some late practice?” The Gryffindor keeper asked, head tilted to one side. 

“You might say that!” Sirius felt the blush creeping up his neck. “Listen, Keeley, you like men, right? There was that time you sort of hit on me after we lost to Slytherin, remember?” 

Joe smiled sheepishly. “I do. Like men, I mean. And I don’t recall hitting on you but it was a night we could all stand to forget.” Sirius shuddered his agreement. “And the firewhiskey did flow. And you’ve got that grunge look going on which I’m particularly partial to - I’ll concede it’s a possibility.” 

“Look, this is strange. And I can’t believe I’m even going to ask, but I-”

“Think you might be gay.” Keeley nodded knowingly. 

“Err… right. And I was wondering if I could-”

“Snog me and see?” He laughed kindly. “This happens to me a lot. And I don’t usually like to be the guy people experiment on, Black. That’s not to say I don’t give in on occasion - part of being the go to Hogwarts Homosexual I suppose. And it’s not like there’s a lot of options in this isolated corner of Scotland, so things have been a little dull of late.” He paused. “You’re not going to fall in love with me are you?” 

Sirius looked at the cute Irish boy before him with the steady hands and wicked feint. 

“No, I don’t think so!” 

“Alright then, want to do it now?” 

“Alright.” 

Keeley smiled boyishly and placed his hands gently on Sirius’s waist, as if he’d thought about doing this before. Sirius was suddenly conscious that Keeley had seen him naked a thousand times after quidditch practice. He’d never given it a second’s thought. His eyes were wide and the whole concept seemed a little inorganic, but he was nothing if not brave. He did have to test the hypothesis, after all. 

Keeley gently brought their lips together in a not-quite kiss. This was Sirius’s chance to back out, but he made a little triumphant noise and instead deepened the kiss, even daring to introduce his tongue into the equation, soliciting a grunt of appreciation from Keeley. Before he knew it, they were kissing feverishly, with teeth and gasps and hunger; all angles and insistent hands. Sirius noted, to his interest, that he had a raging erection. He wondered if Keeley did too, but felt too shy to take the steps to find out. But not repulsed in the slightest. Definitely not repulsed.

In fact, he liked this, he realised. More than he had liked doing the same thing with Nay, and all those girls who had come before her. 

Keeley pulled away, looking flushed. His lips were bitten and swollen and his hair ruffled. Sirius got the impression he might have forgotten how to speak for a moment or two. “Trust me when I say, Black. Straight boys don’t kiss like that.”

“And girls don’t kiss like that!” Sirius nodded towards his companion.

“I'll take that as a compliment,” Keeley grinned. “So, is it James?” 

“Sorry?” 

“The guy who’s got you all confused. Potter?”

“Oh no! God, no! It’s another friend, but I’m not going to do anything about it. I’m certain he’s straight.” 

“Please don’t send him to me to find out for sure.” Keeley grinned. 

“Deal. Look, Joe. Thanks. I mean, you’ve really helped me figure a few things out.” 

“Any time! I mean it, that was…” he shivered pleasantly, “And you’ve the face of a goddamn movie star, so any time you want to experiment on me is just fine. Good grief, you’re attractive. Now go away so I can have a wank, yeah?” 

Sirius nodded and grinned, giving him one final little kiss for good measure and slipping out into the darkening night. 

By the time he reached the dorm, the boys were all asleep. He couldn’t help but to pull back the curtains on Remus’s bed slightly, hoping he would still be awake. As he was met with soft little snores, he transformed into his Animagus form and curled up at Remus’s feet. He needed the closeness tonight, and he knew he’d be awake early enough to sneak out before dawn. 

Gay, he thought to himself. Definitely very gay.


	4. Chapter 4

At breakfast the next morning, Remus spotted Naomi Taylor crying at the Ravenclaw table and being consoled by her friend Ariana who was attempting to coax her into eating some breakfast, with little success. It didn’t take a genius to work out what had happened, and Remus deduced that Sirius was wisely keeping a low profile. Politely excusing himself from the table, he went off in search of the other boy. 

Sirius was like his animagus form in many ways: he was loyal, incredibly affectionate, strangely eager to please, and above all, loved to be outdoors. Remus knew that on a warm summer’s morning like this one, Sirius would never confine himself within the walls of a building, even Hogwarts. He knew exactly where to find him. 

The previous summer, and the one before that, the Marauders spend hours at a time in the shadow of an old sycamore tree in the grounds. Not many people knew about this place; it just overlooked the beautiful lake which seemed to stretch for miles ahead. The grass was soft; perfect for passing time talking, messing around, getting in some quidditch practice and anything else the four of them got up to on a summer’s day. It was here that Sirius had his first kiss with a chubby, likeable girl called Malorie. It was here that Remus had told the others about his furry little problem. It was here that Remus happened upon his friend who looked unthinkably sad.

“Hey Pads. You missed breakfast.” Remus almost whispered so as not to astound the boy. “I brought you some pastries and stuff, just in case you were hungry.” 

“Thanks Moony!” Sirius gushed, surprised, delighted at the appearance of the only person he could stomach talking to. 

Remus thought that Sirius might have been crying; his eyes looked a little puffy and it didn’t look like hayfever was the sole culprit. “I saw Naomi at breakfast. She looked pretty upset.”

“Yes, she was pretty bummed. I felt dreadful. You’d think I would get used to it, but somehow I never do.” Sirius sighed. The taller boy sat beside his friend and looked him straight in the eye. 

“For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing.” 

And really, that was all he needed to hear.

The two boys sat in comfortable silence, inches apart, basking in the morning sun. Sirius’s brain was processing a million thoughts at once and he hadn’t even realised that he had started crying until he felt the soft brush of Remus’s knuckle on his cheek, gently willing the tears away. 

“Sirius, I know this isn’t just about Naomi,” Remus eventually said in a low, scratched voice. “Who on earth has got you like this? Or is it your family? Has something happened? Want me to sort Bellatrix out?”

Sirius drew in a deep, pained breath and turned to the kind-eyed boy beside him. “It’s nothing like that, Remus. But I do have to tell you something. But I’m not sure how you’re going to react. And you have to promise not to hate me for it. I’m still the same person, okay?” 

“Okay.”

Sirius inhaled sharply and began picking at the skin around his thumbnail. “Well the thing is, Nay was as perfect for me as any girl could be. I mean it: she’s stunning, smart as a whip, and she’s a better quidditch player than me. She’s funny and kind, and she does this thing with her tongue that is really exceptionally enjoyable. But it was all wasted on me, really, because... well, because she doesn’t have a dick.” He looked straight up into Remus’s eyes and registered his eyebrows disappearing under his hair. “I’m gay, Remus. That’s what I need to tell you. I’m gay. I like blokes. Not girls.” 

Remus’s first instinct was to laugh at the absurdity of the words but the giggle caught in the back of his throat. He searched Sirius’s face for any sign that he was joking and half expected to see one of his trademark ‘just kidding’ winks. Nothing. Instead, Sirius’s handsome face was etched with fear and sincerity. Remus’s thoughts were galloping a mile a minute as he tried to make sense of the gravity of what he’d just heard; the last words he was expecting from the womanizing, arrogant Sirius Black.

The silence stretched between them and Sirius began to squirm. “Oh God, say something! You hate me, don’t you?” 

“Don’t be daft. I’m just processing.” Remus’s expression of shock had not yet dissipated, but his eyes remained kind and calm. “Gay. As in homosexual? As in you only like penis now?”

Sirius nodded glumly.

“Well this is an about turn. How... how long have you known?” 

“I think on some level, I always knew?” Sirius shrugged, hoping to make this sizeable revelation less of a big deal. “But for the last few months I’ve felt really genuinely unhappy and I’ve sort of realised that this is the reason. I’ve been hiding this massive secret and it’s not sustainable anymore.” He was met with more silence and winced. Ready for the judgement, the tension, the lecture. But it didn’t come. He felt the surprisingly strong arms of Remus wrap themselves around him. Sirius collapsed into them with relief, and the blood began to make its way back to his fingers and toes.

The two boys spent the rest of the morning underneath the shadow of that tree, away from all the complications of reality. Remus was laughing inconsolably “She was hitting on you? Professor Brownlee? That’s disgusting!” 

“I’m serious! She wants me! Well, why wouldn’t she?” Sirius grinned cheekily and Remus elbowed him playfully in the ribs. 

“Arrogant arse. To be fair though, it’s probable that all the female teachers want to get with you. It’s keyed into the female DNA or something. If only they knew!” Remus was still grinning, much to Sirius’s delight. He loved the way Remus’s smile completely took over his face; pretty much like it took over Sirius. When he smiled, everything just seemed better; everything seemed okay again. 

Sirius was aware that they were sat close together; so close that their shoulders were touching. He had to fight not to lean into the sensation. 

“Are you going to tell James?” Remus asked, trying to gauge his response.

“Yeah, of course. I mean, yes, I’ll have to, really. But not quite yet - I’m not sure he’d be quite as understanding as you, Moony.” 

He shuffled slightly away from Remus, breaking the contact. “Do you think he’d let us stay at his for summer? There’s no way I can go home, not now.” Remus knew that he was referring to the letter his mother had sent two months previously, informing him that his portrait had been burned from the family tree. He was no longer welcome in the Black household. 

“I really hope so. My parents are going on a trip to Romania for a few weeks. I said I’d stay with James, but I never really thought to ask.” Remus mused “It would be amazing if we could all spend the summer together.”

“Yeah, just like last year, but better” Sirius smiled. The thought of spending summer with Remus filled him with a warm, fuzzy feeling, like when you wake up on Christmas day, or the first day back on the Hogwarts Express. 

An hour passed and they were still sat under that same tree, both lying backwards on bent elbows, content and relaxed. They were talking about Joanna. 

“Like the other day, she was complaining that I went to watch the two of you play quidditch instead of spending time with her. She doesn’t seem to realise that any girl comes second to you guys. It’s nothing personal. And she keeps sending me these suggestive notes at breakfast, like sex is all she cares about. It makes me feel kind of sleezy.” 

“Mate, I would take it as a compliment!” Sirius joked. “Is she good... at... you know?” 

“Well yeah! Not that I have much experience in the matter,” Remus blushed. “And I like fooling around with her, you know? It’s obviously lots of fun. But she doesn’t make me feel particularly secure; there’s no cuddles or anything, just-”

“Shagging?”

“Yeah. It’s all a bit clinical. Do you think she’ll break up with me? I’m not sure what’s best. It’s probably not worth carrying it on really. I don’t feel like myself when I’m with her,” he sighed. 

“Do you want to get in there first? I reckon it’s harder for men because the girl always cries,” Sirius stated matter-of-factly. “Wow, I’ll probably never sleep with a girl again. That’s a really odd thought!” 

Remus laughed softly. “How the hell did you get the rep of the best shag in the school when you’re in the closet? Only you, Pads!” 

“Well I’m gay, not lazy! Plus, I’ve been told that I’m, you know, aesthetically pleasing” Sirius smirked, feeling his friend’s laughter in the air. 

Remus looked at Sirius whose expression was still etched with sorrow. He nudged him on the arm with his elbow. “Hey,” he muttered, “will you tell me what’s wrong, Pads?” Remus was still looking straight at him. Through him. Something about those eyes made Sirius want to tell him everything. Or to just lean forward and kiss the adorable bastard. But he knew he couldn’t. The weight lifted off his chest would only be replaced by dozens more. He didn’t want to be left with nothing. At least now, he had Remus’s friendship. And he wouldn’t gamble it for the world. 

“Nothing, I’m fine, honestly.” Sirius beamed, what he hoped was convincingly. Remus looked unswayed but did not press the matter. 

“If we stay here, we’re going to miss lunch,” Remus sighed. 

“I’m okay here, but go if you want,” Sirius replied with a yawn. 

“Nah, I’m not really that hungry, I just didn’t want you to go without.” 

The truth was that Remus was ravenous. He hadn’t eaten since the night before and the full moon was approaching which always left him famished. But he didn’t want to leave Sirius. He knew he was in a weird place and thought he should know that he was there to support him. Not only that, but he was enjoying spending time with his best friend. It wasn’t often that they got to really talk one-on-one, so he was cherishing the time spent together. 

Remus paused and pondered, “wait a sec! You said you liked someone!” he gabbled excitedly. “And now I know that person is a chap! Okay, spill the beans!”

Sirius squirmed uncomfortably. “Erm, well I don’t really. It’s just a little crush and it’ll pass, so it’s no big deal. Trust me, it doesn’t matter.” 

Remus rolled his eyes, but stayed quiet. He leant against the hard trunk of the ancient tree, feeling the knots of the bark digging into his back and losing himself to complex, half-formed thoughts. 

***

That evening in the great hall, over rhubarb crumble, the boys were discussing the final game of the quidditch cup, which was only days away. 

“Oh I’m so excited!” Peter squealed, wriggling in his chair. “You guys had better thrash Ravenclaw this time - it’s our turn!”

“Oh yeah, thanks Pete. Hadn’t thought of that!” Sirius chuckled. “D’you think we’ll win, Prongs?” 

“Who knows? Ravenclaw are looking pretty damn good at the moment. Roberts is on top form, and Sirius struggles to look anywhere but her bottom when he’s meant to be concentrating!” James teased. Sirius nodded along with fake enthusiasm. 

“I think you’ll win.” Remus smiled wryly from over the copy of the Daily Prophet he was devouring. 

“Really Moony, you do?” Sirius gabbled excitedly. James thought he looked like a little puppy waiting for its dinner. 

“I don’t see why not. I’d like to see any team beat the one with you guys on it. James, you’re the fastest chaser around. And Pads, you can just flutter your eyelashes and they’ll hand the quaffle right over!” Remus grinned. 

“Hey!” Sirius protested, but eventually succumbed to the laughter erupting around him. “Moony, isn’t it the full moon soon?” he asked in a hushed tone. 

“Wednesday” Remus’s face fell. 

“Damn, I could really do with finishing that transfiguration essay. We can’t all charm our way out of it like some people” James shot a glance at Sirius. 

“Don’t worry, I can make sure Moony’s alright,” Sirius said, “It’ll be okay, Remus; I won’t let anything bad happen.” 

“Thanks Sirius” Remus smiled gratefully “I’m sorry to be a pain.” 

“Hey, are you kidding? I’m happy to help! Come on, it’s you!” This made Remus smile bashfully, which Sirius rather enjoyed. 

“Anyone coming up? I thought we could get a bit of chess in before bed” James asked. “I need Lily to see that I’m the master of chess, then she might fall madly in love with me on the spot!” 

“Course she will, Prongs. Course she will.” Everyone laughed as they strolled out of the hall towards the common room. The rest of the school’s eyes fixated on them with either jealousy or lust. They were the picture of happiness. There was not one person who didn’t want a piece of the Marauders.


	5. Chapter 5

Sirius woke the next day to a shoe hitting his head, thrown with expert skill by James.   
“Oi, Padfoot! Get up, mate! Lessons start in five minutes!” On realising that they had overslept, the three other boys were madly scrabbling around to find shoes, ties, shirts, etc. Sirius groaned and rolled out of bed. He quickly located his uniform and within a matter of seconds was totally ready, looking just as impeccably coiffed as usual. 

“How the hell do you do it, Pads?” Remus giggled as they ran towards the dungeons, not wanting to get on the wrong side of Professor Slughorn. They took their seats just as their teacher strolled into the room and stood in front of them, hands clasped in excitement. 

“Now then everyone. Today we will be studying the effects of Amortentia: a mysterious and intriguing potion. Does anyone know what it does?” 

“It’s a love potion, sir,” Lily Evans piped up from the front of the front of the class, making James unconsciously sit up a little straighter in his seat. “It smells different to everyone, depending on what attracts us,” she finished. 

“Very good, now I’m going to pass this vial around. Each of you give it a good whiff if you’re curious, but be careful not to spill it - this one took me a long time to brew!” Slughorn chuckled with delight. 

Sirius sighed with relief. Slughorn was in one of his good moods, which meant an easy lesson for all of them. He might even let them out early for lunch if they were lucky. As the vial of the strange, swirling potion reached the back row where the Marauders were sat, Sirius was instantly drawn in. Its smell was incredible. It smelt of dark chocolate, mixed with washing powder and a hint of fresh parchment. It was crisp and clean and masculine. He turned pink as he realised that it was the delicious scent of Remus. He didn’t want to pass it on, but Remus’s hand was outstretched so he had little choice but to relent. 

Sirius noticed that the smile grew on Remus’s face as soon as the bottle was in smelling distance, which quickly turned into a pensive frown. Remus turned scarlet, hastily disguised by what Sirius suspected was a fake sneeze. He figured it smelled of some girl he liked, Joanna perhaps, and the thought saddened him, though he knew that may girls saw Remus as the second best choice of boyfriend in the year (after Sirius, of course). Sirius was still upset when Remus expressed interest in any of them, though he knew that was completely irrational. Remus was straight. Remus wasn’t his. 

When the lesson ended, the boys were walking down the corridor, debating the object of Severus Snape’s affection.

“Oh, come on! He blatantly likes Lily! He nearly passes out every time she talks to him” James insisted. 

“Funny, isn’t it, how Lily is much more inclined to talk to Snivellus than to you, Prongs. Looks like you’ve got competition!” Sirius laughed. 

“Oh Remmie, wait up!” a voice wailed, clearly audible over the hustle and bustle of the crowd. Remus rolled his eyes and looked behind him towards his girlfriend, who was rushing towards him like she hadn’t seen him for weeks. When she caught up with him, she kissed Remus hard on the lips, in plain view of everybody. Sirius thought he would burst with jealousy, and didn’t know why she had to mark her territory in this way. Everyone knew they were an item - what was she trying to prove?

“Hey gorgeous,” Remus smiled. “How’s your day going?” 

“Fab thanks!” she tittered. “Oh babe, we have to meet up tomorrow! Can’t do tonight because I’ve got a bitch of an essay to write for Slughorn.” 

Remus and Sirius exchanged knowing glances. Only the Marauders knew about his furry little problem, and it had to stay that way.

“Actually, erm... I can’t do tomorrow.” Remus was not as used to lying as Sirius, “I promised I’d hang out with the guys,” he blushed. 

“No.”

“Sorry?” Remus was confused. 

“No, it’s my turn! We’ve barely seen each other this week,” Joanna stropped. 

“Sorry, what?” he couldn’t believe his ears. Sirius and James exchanged glances which meant ‘let’s get out of here’. They left Remus to it, and did not see him until he walked into Defence Against the Dark Arts ten minutes late after lunch. 

“Sorry, Sir,” Remus looked unusually flustered. 

“Ten minutes late, Lupin. Detention at eight tonight please. This really isn’t like you, Mr Lupin. Do you have an excuse?” Professor Deakin surveyed Remus with his beady eyes, enough to make anybody squirm. Remus, however, maintained his composure. 

“No, Sir. I’m sorry, I don’t. It won’t happen again,” he stated solemnly as he took his seat, not willing to let the Professor continue the conversation. Remus was trying to catch Sirius’s eye, but he was busy drawing up elaborate plans to prank Severus, featuring a gaggle of crows and some extra strength super glue. 

“What did I just say, Black?” Professor Deakin had now turned his attention to the boy with model good looks in the back row. He had held a grudge against Sirius ever since he had set foot inside his classroom. There was no charming his way out of trouble with this teacher. 

“No idea, sir” Sirius admitted. 

“Oh you do surprise me! Well, in that case, you will be joining Mr Lupin for detention later, Black.” As he spoke, he wondered why Sirius was not making more fuss over the fact that he had just been rid of his free evening, but he did not press the matter. 

“He hates me! He truly hates me!” Sirius groaned dramatically as the group lazily trudged out of the classroom. 

“Aww Pads, don’t worry. Perhaps you’ll sort out your differences later! Maybe a bit of quality time together’s what’s needed, eh?” James smirked. “Oh, Lily!” he squealed excitedly. “Lily, why did the chicken cross the road?” he ran down the corridor as he spotted the object of his affections. Peter followed close behind like James’s shadow. 

Seeing that they were alone, Sirius decided that he could broach the subject of Joanna safely. “So what happened, mate?” He glanced at his friend’s amber eyes, trying to tell what he was thinking. 

“We broke up,'' he sighed. “It was horrible. She cried. I cried. She hexed me. I let her. But it’s alright. Was never going to last forever.” 

“Are you okay?” 

“I’ll live” Remus smiled unconvincingly. “I feel kind of underwhelmed actually. I’m almost relieved.” 

“It probably hasn’t really hit you yet!” Sirius replied. 

“I think it has. We just weren’t a great match. Besides,” he continued carefully, “I think I need some time to explore the workings of my heart. I’ve been... thinking about someone else...” he blushed. 

Sirius’s heart sank, and he did not want to torture himself by finding out who this new girl was. So he plastered a winning smile on his face and turned to his friend. “Atta boy! Wow Moony, you’re a quick mover! I salute you.” He slapped him on the back. Beaming, but insides churning and he began to feel quite queasy. They reached the portrait hole, and after a brief run in with the fat lady, they clambered through and sat on a sofa in the far corner of the room, near some first years who were displaying their hexing skills, or lack thereof, proudly to one another. 

Remus pulled a piece of parchment and a large, leather-bound book from his bag and started scribbling. Sirius pulled out his History of Magic textbook, started to read the chapter on vampires in the Dark Ages and began to make notes. 

“Sirius, are you doing your homework?” Remus stared, awestruck. 

“Erm... yeah, I thought I would.” Sirius smiled that perfect smile and looked back to his book, secretly enjoying the look of sheer surprise on Remus’s face. 

Neither of the boys noticed James walking into the common room wearing a smile wider than his face. “She called me James!”

“That’s great, err... James” Sirius grinned. 

“No, but she usually calls me Potter!” James exclaimed. “Oh, I love her even more!” He sailed up the stairs dreamily, leaving the two boys behind. Sirius rolled his eyes and Remus chuckled. 

“Come on, we’d better go to that detention” he frowned as he checked his watch. They stood up reluctantly and dragged themselves along to the classroom, whereupon they were instructed to sit down and write lines for an hour. The professor left and the two boys sat next to each other, pulled out their quills and began to write. 

“So, any luck with this new fancy man of yours?” Remus smiled.

“No,” Sirius looked down. “And he’s not my fancy man. He never will be, he’s far too good for me.” 

“Oh come on, this is you! You’re amazing, just... brilliant. And you could have anyone in the school, you know that. I bet you could even have a go on most of the straight guys here.” Remus’s smile was starting to make Sirius fall deeper, just when he wanted to get out. 

“Nah, no way. He’s definitely straight. And loads of girls fancy him.”

“Well, it’s his loss.” Remus smiled again, reaching out his hand and placing it gently on Sirius’s forearm. He blushed slightly, Sirius noticed. “And if not this guy, there will be others,” he whispered. 

“There are no others.” Sirius looked him straight in the eye, willing him to understand. “I’m not sure if there will ever be any others, Remus.” 

Something in the way Sirius was looking at him made his arm hairs stand up on end. He felt like something significant was happening, but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. He knew they had been looking at each other for too long, and since when had Sirius had such compelling eyes? He cleared his throat and removed his hand from Sirius’s arm, picking up his pen and concentrating exclusively on his lines. 

When Professor Deakin returned an hour later, it was to find the two boys sitting at their desks, writing lines obediently, much to his surprise. “Right then, boys, you can go,” he belted. In the space of a few seconds, they had both gathered their things and left. 

“Thank God that’s over!” Remus smiled, filling Sirius’s insides with warmth. 

“Ah, it wasn’t so bad. At least I had your company for once, you miscreant.” The two walked back to the common room, where they climbed the stairs to their dormitory, finding James and Peter already present. 

“How was detention?” James smirked. 

“Nice” Remus smiled that smile again, making Sirius shiver involuntarily. 

“Yeah, not too painful” Sirius agreed, collapsing on his bed with an ‘ooph’. Within minutes, he was asleep, leaving him free to dream. This pleased Sirius. Dreams had no limitations. In his dreams, anything could happen. So the dorm was filled with contented little sighs all night long. 

The next day, Sirius was the first to wake up. This was very unusual; he needed what he arrogantly termed his ‘beauty sleep’ (at least nine hours). Without it, he became cranky; a trait the others thought most amusing. When he woke, the sun had already risen and the birds were singing, so he guessed it was about six. Today was the day of the full moon. Sirius hated this time of the month, hated seeing his friend suffer, which he invariably did. The last month had been so difficult; the worst since he had known Remus. He didn’t know if he could stand seeing him go through it again. 

He climbed out of bed, clad merely in a pair of boxers and pattered into the shared bathroom with a yawn. From here, he could hear the three boys breathing: James who took short, sharp breaths, Peter whose snores reverberated through the common room, and Remus’s long, quiet breaths, as if his slumber was much deeper than the others’. He smiled to himself at the thought of Remus lying peacefully in bed, but his smile vanished as he thought again of the violence of the looming night. He shuddered. 

As the others began to stir, Sirius quickly washed and dressed. He no longer felt the exhibitionist he was a few months prior. 

“Morning Pads” Remus’s voice was slow and sleepy, and made Sirius tingle pleasantly. He grinned, eyes half closed with sleep. He looked adorable - a contrast to the raging beast he would become later. 

“Morning, you. Want to go down and get some breakfast?” Sirius reflected his grin easily as Remus nodded. He was always hungry as the full moon approached. And Sirius was just always hungry. 

They strolled down to breakfast, chatting amicably, blind to the constant stares of longing females and envious glares from their male peers. 

The evening drew in quickly, perhaps due to the amount of apprehension surrounding it. Perhaps due to the straightforward lessons they had timetabled that day: Transfiguration, Potions and Divination. For whatever reason, the evening was upon them in a flash. After dinner in the Great Hall, Remus and Sirius slipped out and began the walk to the Shrieking Shack. Sirius tried to lighten the mood by assuming his canine form. He bounced around the grounds enthusiastically, making Remus chuckle. Appreciating the gesture, he felt his mood slightly lightened, despite himself. He patted Padfoot on the head fondly and grinned as he licked his hand with uncharacteristic gentleness. 

When the two emerged from the tunnel leading from the whomping willow into the shack, Sirius turned himself effortlessly back to his human form and smiled reassuringly. All they could do now was sit and wait.


	6. Chapter 6

Remus lifted his head with a groan, then let it flop down again onto the pillow, attracting his best friend’s attention. “You’re awake!” Sirius exclaimed. “How are you feeling, mate?”

“Absolutely knackered.” Remus managed a feeble smile. Sirius’s stomach flipped. In a good way. At least he thought so. “But at least I’m here and not at the hospital wing,” he grinned weakly. 

“Yeah, Madame Pomfrey thought you were okay to stay in your own bed,” Sirius said, adjusting his posture in the chair he had pulled up beside Remus’s bed. In truth, he hadn’t moved for three hours, but Remus didn’t have to know that. 

“If you hadn’t been there, I’d be much worse,” Remus laughed. “What time is it?”

“Eleven.”

“You should be in Transfiguration.” 

“I’ll catch up. McGonagall will understand.” he winked, eliciting a gorgeous chuckle from Remus. 

“You don’t have to stay.” 

“I know. I want to.” 

Remus sighed contentedly and sat himself up, leaning on his headboard and wincing slightly. He was pale and drawn after his draining, erratic night but his eyes twinkled with a cheeky side only his close friends knew was there. 

“I can’t believe there are only three weeks left of school!” Remus sighed. “At least we’ll all be together over the summer. It would be almost unbearable otherwise.” Sirius did not want to imagine not seeing Remus every day and was comforted by the thought that Remus felt similarly, though he knew that Remus’s feelings were more simplistic than his own. 

“Yeah, I know! Summer’s going to be so much fun. And I don’t even have to set eyes upon my family the whole time!” Sirius agreed enthusiastically. 

“Oh Pads, what do you want for your birthday? I’m going to have to go shopping.” 

“Don’t worry about me, Moony! I don’t have to be at home - that’s enough.” 

Remus frowned “Nope, you’re not getting out that easily! If you’re not going to cooperate, I’m just going to have to find you something by myself,” Remus winked. Sirius blushed but managed to conceal it. Remus was oblivious. 

As dusk fell and the common room gradually filled, Remus left Sirius alone in the dormitory to research Gwinevere the strange for his History of Magic homework in the library. He was not alone for long, however, as James dawdled in ten minutes later. 

“Hey mate, Moony okay now?” he asked caringly. 

“Yeah, he wasn’t too bad this time!” Sirius grinned. 

“And yet you still spent the whole day with him?” James smirked and suggestively raised an eyebrow. 

“Well yeah... you know... just in case.” Sirius squirmed. 

“You guys seem pretty close at the moment.” James’s smirk did not relent. 

“Yeah, I guess so. But you know... we’re like, good friends.” Sirius looked down. 

“Good friends, right. Tell me to sod off if I’m prying,” James began carefully, “but do you... like Remus?” 

“Of course I do, he’s the best!” Sirius smiled innocently. 

“You know what I mean!” James exclaimed. 

“No really, do enlighten me,” Sirius goaded James. He wasn’t going to surrender this information without a little more coercion. 

“I mean if, hypothetically of course, Remus clambered into your bed one night, and started kissing you, and touching you, and taking off your pyjama bottoms, the ones with the little broomsticks on... would you stop him?” 

“James!” Sirius squealed. “What are you on about? Of course I’d stop him!” 

“Right. It’s just that last week, in your sleep, you were making... noises.” James proceeded. Sirius’s heart was in his mouth. “You know, sex noises. So I assumed you were dreaming of that new hot girl, or whatever. But then the strangest thing happened. Because the name you said in your sleep wasn’t hers, it... was Remus’s.” James paused, unsure how this was being received. 

“Oh God.” Sirius’s head was in his hands. 

“So unless I’ve completely misunderstood,” James said quietly, “I think you might harbour feelings for our furry friend. 

“Oh God.” Sirius said again, this time barely audible. And after what felt like a lifetime, he nodded subtly. 

“You’re right,” Sirius muttered. “I do like him. A lot, actually. It’s driving me mad - I can’t really think of anything else. Except right now where I’m thinking of climbing into a great big pit and never coming out again.” 

“Wow, who knew? Sirius Black. Gay as a maypole!” 

“Shut up.” 

“Sorry, it’s just a bit surprising...” 

“Do you think less of me?” Sirius asked carefully, trying not to make eye contact. 

“No, fuck off, of course I don’t.” James said matter-of-factly. 

“Thanks.” 

“Nothing to thank me for.”

“Please don’t tell anyone, James. Please!” Sirius’s eyes belied his desperation. 

“Course I won’t, Pads. What do you take me for? Does he know, then?” 

“What? That I’m gay? Or that I’m life-ruiningly, head-over-heels in love with him?” Sirius was close to tears and James picked up on it. 

“Erm, the first one.” James was trying hard to take everything in. 

“Yeah, he knows.” 

“He might like you back.” James reasoned. Sirius snorted unbecomingly. 

“Of course he doesn’t. He’s straight. And he’s so far out of my league, out of anyone’s league.”

“You have seen you, right?” James grinned. 

“He’s straight!” 

“I wouldn’t be so sure...” James was still smirking. “He doesn’t strike me as the type. Now, what are you going to do about all this?” 

“Nothing. He’s my best friend. Even if he was gay, which he’s obviously not, I could never ruin our friendship by telling him. There is just too much at stake.” Sirius sighed. 

“Well at least think about it” James nodded, standing up. “Nothing like a war to make us all a bit braver. Life is short, my friend. And that is why I’m off to go and see Evans.” He hugged his friend to show again that his opinion of him was unaffected, and sauntered out of the door. Sirius was once more alone and more confused than ever. 

That evening, as they sat eating their dinner in the Great Hall, James was droning on about Lily. Remus, though tired, was looking at Sirius and he was worried. He had been acting differently lately; quieter, more reserved, like there was a weight on his chest. He seemed older and sadder and... greyer. There was definitely something wrong. Remus could only assume that this person Sirius liked was the cause. But it was odd. Sirius never fell deeply for anybody. He spoke of sex as if it were an emotionless exchange, of relationships as if they were meaningless, of love as if it were fictional. And now here he was; a lovesick puppy. It pained Remus to see it almost as much as it pained Sirius to experience it. He wished there was something he could do. He wanted to take the pain away, much like Sirius did with his own pain every month. 

To make matters worse, Remus had, for some weeks now, begun to wonder where his own feelings lay. Earlier that day, when he had woken up to Sirius sat at his bedside, he had been pleased to see him. Maybe too pleased. He’d opened his eyes from his deep slumber, and there he was, all cheekbones and smouldering eyes and concern. Something had flipped in his stomach before he was awake enough to suppress it.

And that fateful potions lesson in Professor Slughorn’s room, Remus had blushed furiously for a reason. He had smelt Sirius in that amortentia: boyish cologne, hair products and cinnamon. The smell was, frankly, incredible, but the experience on the whole had unnerved Remus greatly. Surely he couldn’t feel that way about Sirius? He told himself it was simply because Sirius had come out of the closet and confided in him, because he was his best friend, because he smelled so damn good. 

Besides, if there was ever someone on the planet who could make a straight man feel a little bi-curious, it was Sirius. And Remus was definitely straight. He kept telling himself that, even though he increasingly found his eyes drawn to Sirius. He always knew he was good looking, but now he was noticing things like his full, soft lips, and his firm, rounded bottom showcased always by too-tight trousers. He also noticed little habits of Sirius’s, like the way he sang show tunes in the shower, or the way he licked his spoon to get the very last bit of chocolate pudding, or how tactile he was with his friends. He had always done these things, but now Remus was watching. Watching, and... falling for him? Suddenly, he wanted to spend more time with him, and time spent apart began to feel like time wasted. The few lessons they didn’t take together dragged, and Remus found himself counting down the minutes until they would be reunited.

He shook himself. This was his best friend, his confidant and comforter. They were close. That was all. 

“So are you guys ready for tomorrow?” Remus asked. 

“Yeah, born ready!” James quipped. “Except Batten’s fit now, which sucks cos she’s a really decent keeper.” 

“She’s got her flaws” Sirius piped up “go to her left, she’s weaker on that side.”

“It should be a laugh, not like Slytherin last year” James shuddered at the recollection of the final of the previous year, which took place in the eye of a thunderstorm. Several players from each team came clean off their brooms and Slytherin annihilated Gryffindor. It was not a happy day in the slightest.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day, Ravenclaw were beating Gryffindor 80-50 despite their best efforts. The day was clear, but there was a strong, erratic wind which casually threw balls and players off course throughout the match. Things weren’t looking great, but in true Gryffindor spirit, they kept going. Eventually, through skill and perseverance, the Gryffindor seeker, O’Donnell, caught the snitch to rapturous applause. 

The Gryffindor players left the pitch heroes. Gryffindors everywhere were shouting their congratulations and surrounding them as they entered the tunnel to the dressing room. Remus ran down and hugged James and Sirius. He was delirious. Everyone was. And as he pulled Sirius in for a tight, enthusiastic hug, he realised that he didn’t want to let go. He could smell Sirius’s intoxicating scent again, mingled with sweat and he felt a definite urge to nuzzle and kiss his neck and taste his salty skin. He realised this and pushed Sirius away, aghast. 

“Whoah, what was that?” Sirius laughed, still reeling from the sensation of Remus’s body pressed against his. 

“Sorry, err, muscle spasm.” Remus squirmed. “Shall we go and join in the festivities?” The others nodded and they galloped to the Gryffindor common room, their spirits high and their step springy. 

The celebrations continued right through the night, due in part to smuggled fire whiskey and sound-proof walls. 

Around the point where the night merged seamlessly into the early hours, Sirius, Remus, a brainy girl named Scarlet and a previous conquest of Sirius; a beauty called Harriet in the year below, were sitting in a circle, laughing hysterically as music played loudly from the other side of the room. 

“So you just ate it?” Harriet was giggling, “all of it?” 

“Well I was dared to” Sirius chortled “And I never back out on dares.” 

“Well, you’re very brave” the second girl slurred almost incoherently. 

“Erm... yeah... Scarlet, is it?” Sirius exchanged glances with Remus. Harriet rolled her eyes in Remus’s direction, eliciting a boyish chuckle. Sirius glared at the stunning girl, but she was oblivious. 

“Remus, would you like some more whiskey?” Harriet focused her alluring eyes on Remus and he blushed shyly. She really was very beautiful. He really was very drunk. It was a combination that guaranteed he would become entwined in her spell. 

“Hehe, yeah, you betcha!” Remus slurred, holding out his goblet with vigour. 

“Hey mate, I think you’ve had enough.” Sirius intercepted the bottle. 

“No, Padfoooooooot! I want it back!” People always thought Remus was the sensible one of the gang. Until this moment, they probably would have been right, but usually Remus hadn’t consumed two bottles of this lethally strong alcoholic substance, which generally gave him the emotional age of... well, James. 

“You’re very pretty,” he grinned perfectly at Harriet, who laughed loftily. 

“Yes, so I’ve been told.” She put her hand on Remus’s chest, causing jealousy to rage inside Sirius like a violent storm. She was taking advantage of him in his fragile, drunken state, and Sirius didn’t like it one bit.

“Hey Remus, do you want to go to bed now? Sleep it off?” Sirius interjected desperately. 

“Nah, I’m good here,” Remus grinned as he sidled up to the girl on his left and she slid her hand up his thigh. Sirius felt as though he had been slapped. He tried to be happy when he saw Lily and James kissing and giggling on a nearby sofa, but all he felt was a crushing, terrifying loneliness. He thought about running off to find Keeley for a repeat snog, but knew that doing so wouldn’t help in the long run. 

Ten minutes later, he flopped into bed and allowed the tears finally to fall as he thought of Remus with her. He knew he was being pathetic. He knew Remus wasn’t his. He knew that Remus was straight. But none of that took the pain away and it all hurt like hell. He buried his head in the pillow and let out hollow, fruitless sobs as he thought about Remus’s arms wrapped around him earlier that day and how stupid he had been to think it meant anything at all. 

None of the other boys returned to their dorm until after breakfast, which Sirius had skipped to wallow alone in self pity. James was the first to walk through the door, sporting a particularly annoying grin.

“Morning Padfoot, old pal. And what a morning it is! Blue skies, no lessons, and my future wife ensnared!” 

“Morning, mate.” Sirius’s tone was less than enthusiastic. 

“Where’s Moony?” James enquired. 

“Beats me.” 

“Did he not come back? Woah, dark horse! With Harriet Baker? Harriet? She’s the hottest girl in school! Man, everybody hooked up last night: me and Lily, Remus and Harriet, Peter and that Janine girl, you and... oh. Sorry.” James faltered. 

“My right hand, you mean? Do you think they... you know?” Sirius’s eyes pleaded for the answer he wanted. 

“Yes, probably. She was practically taking his clothes off in the middle of the common room last night, and he was pretty... uninhibited.” 

“Hey, but we still won the quidditch” Sirius tried to act cheerful. 

“Yeah,” James nodded enthusiastically. “And only two days left of school.” 

“Mmhmm.” 

Sirius looked down, lost in thought. He opened his mouth to say something when the sandy-haired boy poked his head around the door wearily. 

“I’m never drinking again!” He sighed as he flopped onto his bed, which groaned unsympathetically. 

“Sure you will” James grinned. 

Sirius did not lift his head. “Good night?” he asked quietly. 

“Yeah it was okay thanks” Remus blushed self consciously. “You?”

“Erm, yes, it was alright. Obviously not as good as yours!” Sirius couldn’t help but grin as he thought of the role reversal that seemed to be occurring between them. Remus’s blush deepened. 

“I’m impressed, mate. Harriet Baker! She’s quite the catch!” 

Remus chuckled softly “I never kiss and tell. But she’s quite pretty, I suppose. Anyway, are you guys all packed? We’re leaving in two days, you know!” he blurted quickly, seeing that for some reason, Sirius disapproved of the whole event from the smouldering, loaded glare that he shot his way. 

***

The morning of their last day, the three boys woke with a sense of loss. In a matter of hours, they would leave Hogwarts for the summer. They would leave their home behind. They knew, however, that the summer would be glorious. Not one of them could guess just how amazing it would turn out to be. 

“Hey Pads, have you got those trainers you borrowed last week?” James asked as he haphazardly tossed his belongings into his trunk. Sirius grunted and threw the trainers precariously close to James’s head, prompting a very high pitched squeal from James, which made the boys laugh. A lot. 

“Are you guys going to breakfast?” Sirius asked as he located an old potions textbook from under his bed and threw it in his trunk with a clang. 

“Nah, I’m okay. I think I’ll just get something on the train.” Remus smiled from beneath the book he was ready while lying on his bed, his belongings already packed and organised the night before. He was wearing a garish, multi-coloured knitted jumper which was at least three sizes too big. It was July and Sirius thought he looked absolutely absurd. And adorable. But mostly absurd. 

“Yeah, me too I think. Besides, I only have an hour to pack all this crap and find that McAvoy kid to get my styling stuff back. He borrowed it a week ago! I don’t even know why he bothers, no amount of expensive styling products could sort out that mess he calls a haircut. I’m pretty sure he’s in love with me. He follows me round like a bad smell. Weirdo.” 

“Pads, you think everyone’s in love with you,” James sniggered, peering at his own messy hair in the mirror affixed to the wardrobe door. 

“Most of them are in love with him!” Remus grinned, stretching into a yawn which made his jumper ride up, exposing his midriff and making Sirius feel like he might faint. 

“I’m really gonna miss Lily over the summer,” James sighed, “but it’ll be fun anyway. What day are you coming down, Moony?” 

“Wednesday, hopefully” said Remus, who was spending a few days at home with his parents at their home in the countryside near Manchester before they set off to Romania and before their son caught the train to the Cotswolds where James and Sirius would be waiting. Peter had begged his mother to let him stay with the rest of the boys, but to no avail. She had simply stated that they hardly ever saw him as it was, without him setting off to stay with school friends for the entire summer. So it would be the three boys staying at James’s for eight whole weeks before they started their final year at Hogwarts. 

“Anyone want a chocolate frog?” Peter offered, not content with the decision to skip breakfast, and not fully believing that he could last until ten o’clock without having eaten a thing. The boys muttered their gratitude as the box was passed around the circle in which their beds lay, discarding it on the maroon carpet once it was empty. 

An hour and a half later, on the train, the boys were deep in conversation. They had picked a carriage towards the rear of the train which tended to be quieter. The lady who went from carriage to carriage selling a variety of delicious treats had been and gone so the space was filled with the aroma of cakes and pastries. Sirius was tucking greedily into a pumpkin pastry and subtly watching Remus lick his fingers after finishing a sticky bun. The door slid open abruptly and Harriet Baker strolled in. Even Sirius was entranced by this girl. She just had a certain presence about her, which rendered everyone incapable of normal human interaction. Everybody just sat there and gawped, throwing all composure out of the window. 

“Remus, can I have a word outside please?” she asked, nodding back towards the hallway. He nodded calmly and followed her out to the corridor, leaving Sirius, James and Peter gawping in the carriage. 

Sirius craned his neck to see through the glass pane in the door, much to James’s amusement.   
“Lip reading, mate?” James smirked. 

“Huh?” Sirius shook his head back into real life, as if trying to shake himself out of the trance in which he was entwined. 

“He won’t fall for it, you know. He won’t fall for her.” James said in a half whisper. 

“He seemed to fall for it the other night. And anyway, why not? She’s stunning! He’s only human, after all,” Sirius sighed. 

“He was totally bladdered! I’m pretty sure his blood was about eighty percent firewhiskey that night. She hasn’t got any substance. Moony isn’t like the rest of us. He doesn’t just go for looks, he likes girls with a bit more up top,” James smiled reassuringly. 

“Well I’m definitely doomed then!” Sirius snorted, though James knew that laughing was the last thing he felt like doing. Sirius glanced through the glass again but Remus and Harriet were nowhere to be seen. “Hmph, he’s probably shagging her in the toilets,” Sirius grimaced. 

“Dude, that’s so not his style. If anything, they’ll be making lurve in one of the spare carriages” James grinned. 

“Yeah, thanks buddy, that’s really helpful” Sirius couldn’t help but smile, trying not to think about what his friend might be getting up to. 

An hour later, the train was beginning to slow and the terrain was levelling out. There was still no sign of Remus and Sirius was beginning to worry. 

“He’ll be fine, you know. He’s a big boy.” James said with his annoying tendency of knowing exactly what Sirius was thinking. 

“Yeah, I know. I just wanted to be able to say goodbye to him,” Sirius sighed. 

“Pads, you will see him in four days - it’s hardly a lifetime.” 

“Yeah, I suppose - feels like it though,” Sirius mumbled as the train came to a complete stop in Kings Cross station where James’s parents were both stood on the platform, waving madly. Sirius knew that he was totally welcome with the Potters and a pang of jealousy shot through him as he saw the way they embraced their son.


	8. Chapter 8

“James! Sirius!” Mrs Potter greeted them warmly and squeezed Sirius tight. Mr Potter patted him affectionately on his back and helped them with their luggage. After a brief chat with Peter’s parents on the platform, the four of them were driving in James’s dad’s company car towards their home. The journey only took an hour and soon they were rolling into the drive of the large red bricked house just outside the small wizarding village of Sageham. Sirius loved this place. The house looked like a doll’s house, Sirius thought. Not one of those children’s doll’s houses but one of those really classic Georgian-style ones with huge white windows and a bright red front door with a brass knocker. As they stepped through the porch into the hall, they were greeted by Albert, James’s huge ginger dog who looked terrifying but wouldn’t hurt a fly. 

Recognising Sirius, he jumped up and licked him straight away. Sirius laughed and followed James into the lounge which was now home to a new sofa, but the rest was the same as his last visit, exactly a year ago. One of the windows let barely any light in due to the smothering of honeysuckle which covered it and made the room smell heavenly. Pictures hung above the fireplace; one of James and his parents, one of Hogwarts, and one of James, Sirius and Remus taken last summer underneath the willow tree in one of the fields leading on from the long, flowery garden. Sirius grinned. It was good to be back. 

That evening, Sirius and James were sitting in James’s room chatting about quidditch and which team would win the league that year when an owl tapped lightly at the window. Sirius stood up quickly and let the small, sandy bird in curiously. He untied the piece of parchment attached to the owl’s leg, unfurled it and read aloud:

Dear James and Sirius

Just a quick note to say that I’m really sorry for abandoning you on the train earlier. Harriet and I just needed to sort some stuff out between us. I really wish I could have said goodbye. Also, I was wondering whether it would be okay with James’s folks if I could come on Monday not Wednesday because my Mum and Dad want to stop off in Diagon Alley for a couple of nights before they leave for Romania (don’t ask why!) So if that’s fine with James, I should be arriving into the station around lunch time the day after tomorrow. Please let me know, and sorry again. 

Love, Remus. 

Sirius cursed the ambiguity of the letter but was cheered by the prospect of Remus’s early arrival. James found a bit of parchment and scribbled:

Dear Moony 

Don’t be stupid, of course you can come early. You’re always welcome here. Don’t worry about sodding off earlier - it’s Harriet, nobody can blame you. Hope you had fun and we’ll come to the station to meet you on Monday at around one. 

See you then! 

Padfoot and Prongs x

“I thought you said he wouldn’t go for Harriet!” Sirius exclaimed as he scanned through the note which he then tied carefully onto the bird’s outstretched leg. 

“He won’t! I was just winding him up,” James smirked. Sirius rolled his eyes and opened the window. 

“Take this to Remus” he told the bird, gave it a digestive biscuit and sent it on its way. “Right, I’m going to bed” he sighed and walked down the landing into the room that he and Remus always stayed in when they slept here. He opened the door into the familiar room and crossed the wooden floor to open the window due to the humidity of the night. He sighed as he glanced at the waxing moon, suspended in the sky as if it were on strings. This moon cast a shadow over Remus’s life and caused him so much pain, yet at this moment, it looked so beautiful in the cloudless sky. He wondered how many people in the world were looking at the same moon. He wondered if Remus was one of them, and silently wished him good night before nodding off. 

The next morning, Sirius was woken by the sound of rain pattering on the window pane. He loved rainy days. They always reminded him of his first ever quidditch match when they had beaten Slytherin in the middle of a storm. This, incidentally, was also the day when he first got drunk, and the day when he lost his virginity. It was a day for lots of firsts. 

James walked into Sirius’s room and told him that breakfast was ready. It smelt delicious; Mrs Potter was the best cook Sirius had ever met, and James was lucky enough to have her as a mother. He wondered what his own family was doing. He knew that the atmosphere would be nowhere near as warm as at the Potters’. He knew deep down that none of them could be happy living that sort of life. He had found happiness. Happiness was on the side of the light. Happiness was Hogwarts, friendship, and, most of all, Remus. 

James followed Sirius down the spiralling staircase and they walked into the kitchen where bacon, sausages, eggs and tomatoes lay tantalisingly on the large oak table. Mr and Mrs Potter were already sat. Mr Potter was reading the paper and Mrs Potter was pouring herself a glass of pumpkin juice from a jug. They greeted the boys amicably and everyone started helping themselves to the delightful breakfast. 

“Well boys, I was going to suggest that we went out for the day, but the weather’s so awful, I think you’d better occupy yourselves around the house. If that’s okay?” Mrs Potter said from her seat at the head of the table. She was an attractive older lady with bright blue eyes. She had her hair tied back with a red ribbon and wore barely any makeup. Mr Potter suited her perfectly. He was tall, slightly portly and smoked cigars. Though very similar in appearance to James, his mannerisms and dress sense were much more gentlemanly and his hair was a distinguished grey. They were the perfect couple. 

“That’s fine, Mum, we’ll find something to do.” James smiled as he shovelled bacon into his mouth. 

“So do you think they’re together, like officially now?” Sirius asked, trying to sound casual as they played wizard’s chess in the lounge that morning but James was not fooled. 

“They might be,” James shrugged. “Though I’m not sure either of them are that into it. She is really hot though, and he’s only human.” 

“What about all that crap you were spouting about substance and depth and all that?” Sirius’s eyes pleaded for a glimmer of hope. 

“Well, you never know, do you? I still don’t think he’s totally straight. I swear I saw him check out your arse the other day, but it could have been more envious. Hard to tell.” 

“James, why must you say anything if everything that comes out of your mouth is just bollocks?” Sirius grinned as his queen put James’s king in a tricky situation. 

“I still can’t believe you like Remus! I mean, surely if you had to like a guy, it would be me, wouldn’t it?” James’s eyes twinkled with mischief. 

“Haha, sorry Prongs, you’re not my type!” Sirius grinned. “Did you know I snogged Keeley?” 

“What!?”

“Joe. I snogged him. He was doing me a favour when I was trying to work out whether I only liked Remus or it was a more generalised boy thing.”

“Astonishing. And you enjoyed it?”

“Oh yes! It was quite magnificent, actually.”

“So Keeley, Lupin, you’d rather go for the skinny, pallid type than Prince Charming? You’re mad, mate!” James looked genuinely perplexed. “At least Lily’s attractive.”

“Remus is attractive!” Sirius started. “He has really nice sandy hair, and those really cute eyes, and his mouth...” 

“Woah, this is my friend you’re talking about” James joked. 

“Sorry,” Sirius smiled. “So how is it going with you and Lily?”

“Pretty well, actually. I’m kind of leaving the ball in her court, but she kissed me goodbye when we left yesterday and she asked me to keep in touch, so I think it’s looking promising.” James couldn’t help but smile, and Sirius knew that he was genuinely happy. 

“I’m glad,” Sirius said with sincerity. “I’m really glad. And only slightly jealous,” he sighed. James decided to drop the subject and distract Sirius by winning the game of chess and suggesting that they find something for lunch. Eventually, the boys decided on soup because it was already made and both of them just about knew how to use the stove. 

“So, what shall we do next?” Sirius asked when they had finished. 

“Erm, is it still raining?”

“Yup. We could, err..”

“Uhm yeah, err... erm.” 

“Have you noticed that when Moony’s around, it doesn’t really work?” Sirius smiled. 

“Yeah I know. He’d think of something in no time. This is pathetic! It’s been a day!” James exclaimed. 

“I know! I bet he’s fine without us...”

Remus was not fine. He was incredibly bored and slightly lonely. It had been fine at first. He and his parents had exchanged pleasantries over a roast dinner. They had spoken in depth about Hogwarts: about the lessons he was taking, his teachers, and his friends. He had managed to speak for a long time on the subject of his friends, especially Sirius about whom he had enthused freely for by far the longest. He then stopped himself, but was by no means finished. He told himself that it meant nothing and it was merely because he was closest to Sirius, but it was becoming harder to convince himself. 

After the meal, they had more or less run out of conversation. Though Remus loved his parents deeply, it was difficult to just pick up where they had left off. They didn’t see each other for months on end so it was hardly surprising to find that they now had barely anything in common. So Remus found himself in his room. Alone. He willed the next day to arrive so he could head to James’s house and see his friends. As he reached over to his clock to check the time, he was delighted to spot James’s large tawny owl, Patrick. Flying towards the window at full speed. He crossed the room quickly to open the window and the bird swooped through elegantly and sat on Remus’s bed. He was carrying a roll of parchment which he held out to Remus expectantly. It said:

Dear Remus, 

We know it’s pathetic, but we’re really bored! There’s nothing to do around here and we thought you might have an idea. Sorry to bother you when you’re with your parents. You’re probably having a whale of a time without us. We can’t wait to see you tomorrow! 

Love, P&P x

Remus smiled sheepishly. They were missing him. He had secretly wanted them to not get on too well without him. This time tomorrow, he would be with them again - with him. He kicked himself for that thought. For God’s sake, he could last a couple of days without him. He was a friend. He was just a friend. A kind, lovely friend. With amazing hair and a great body. Remus sighed. He feared everything was going to change between them. Their friendship was often the one reason for him to keep going. He couldn’t, wouldn’t let it change. He would just have to carry on pretending everything was fine. Everything had to be fine. He scrawled his reply:

Dear Sirius and James, 

I’m really bored too! My parents have been lovely, but we kind of ran out of things to talk about around an hour ago. Now I’m just in my room thinking about... stuff. I’m getting in at around twelve tomorrow so I’ll get to James’s some time after that. Don’t come to the station, I’ll be fine! As for the boredom, I’m making the most of a free Saturday by lounging around and doing absolutely nothing. I suggest you do the same. 

See you tomorrow! 

Love Remus x

He rolled the parchment up and tied it with a red ribbon to the scaly leg of James’s owl. He opened the window and sent Patrick on his way. He watched him fly further and further towards the horizon, further and further towards Sirius. He felt his insides swell with anticipation and longing. He sighed and lay on his bed, opened up his book and curled up, resting his head on the pillow. He tried to read but his eyes kept glazing over the same line again and again. He placed it down and drifted into a restless, agitated sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Sirius awoke with a start from a dream in which he had a bitter argument with his mother. His face was wet, and at first he feared that his dream-tears had manifested themselves in real life. But then he felt a drip on his nose and realised that rain was leaking through the open window above his head. He eased himself out of the warm wool blanket provided by Mrs Potter and clambered out of bed. After closing the window, he stood a while and gazed outside through the half light of dawn at the sheets of falling rain which had given the air an icy chill.

He shuddered, pulling the blanket around his shoulders and sitting on the camp bed which groaned under his weight. He thought about his mother and wondered if he would ever see her again. He wondered if he wanted to. He knew she did not. His thoughts then focused on his brother, and he felt a pang of guilt for leaving him to a summer of solitude in the house of Black. There was nothing to be done, though. Even if Sirius had wanted to keep Regulus company, he was not welcome to do so. And other than kidnapping him, there was no way that the two could keep each other company. He sighed and made a mental note to send him a message by owl in the morning. There was every chance of it being intercepted by his parents, but he would give it a go. 

He looked at his watch. Just gone five. He was tired, still, but knew that he would not sleep. He laid his head on his pillow and watched the rain for what felt like a lifetime. The room slowly filled with light, and by the time James began to stir, the sun was beginning to poke through the clouds. The smell of bacon hung in the air, and his stomach emitted a desperate growl. 

“Morning Padfoot,” James yawned, swinging his legs out of bed and into his expectant slippers which were paired at the foot of the bed. 

“Morning Jimmy, sleep well?” 

“Very!” James nodded enthusiastically. The two shuffled downstairs to an impressive breakfast cobbled together by James’s dad. Their thanks were muffled as they shovelled the food into their mouths. 

James’s dad enlisted the two boys to help him fix some fence panels in the back garden. They did it “the old fashioned way,” given that they weren’t allowed to use magic all summer. Besides, James’s dad relished a challenge, and by the time they were done with it, the fence had not only been repaired but also painted and weatherproofed. A job well done. Sirius made them all a cup of tea and they sat in the lounge with their feet up, congratulating themselves on their work as often as conversation would allow. 

Sirius was glad to have been given the chance to take his mind off Remus for a few hours. He had become inexplicably nervous at the prospect of seeing his friend outside the comfort of Hogwarts. He considered the possibility that it might be awkward to spend so much time together. He was scared too by the intensity of his feelings, that he would slip up and ruin everything: his friendship with Remus, the group dynamic, the status quo. Then there was a knock at the door, and the tangle of thoughts and feelings in Sirius’s head seemed to shoot into his stomach, which churned unpleasantly. He felt so nauseous he could barely breathe. 

“I’ll get it then, shall I?” James winked, trotting to the door. “Moony! Come in, will you? Sirius will make you a cuppa.”

Sirius walked out into the hallway and grinned at the striking figure before him. Remus looked relaxed and tanned, his face alight with a sort of cheeky energy Sirius hadn’t seen all that many times. His nerves dissipated and he strode towards his friend, engulfing him in a big, enthusiastic hug. Remus chuckled as he was forced to hold on to the doorframe to stop himself from falling. 

“Ooph! Blimey Pads, you nearly knocked me over. Where’s this tea I’ve been promised then?” The three of them sidled into the kitchen where James decided to sit on the table. Sirius set about boiling water while Remus leant tentatively on the side and sighed contentedly. “I’m glad I’m here.”

“So are we,” James nodded, “turns out Sirius can’t spend a night without you!”

Sirius grinned what he hoped was nonchalantly. “It was just weird, okay! I’m used to falling asleep to the sound of your snores. Last night, all I could hear was like... nature. I did not care for it.”

Remus chortled, “Well if it helps, Pads, I didn’t sleep either. Maybe we could nap later?”

Sirius nodded, flushing slightly. His thoughts were fixated on the idea of napping with his friend, their limbs entangled, Remus’s warmth against him. Remus would mutter his name, not Harriet’s while he slept and they would sleep soundly for the first time in weeks. He was brought back into the room when James cleared his throat pointedly. He mentally scolded himself for lacking willpower and resolved not to think about Remus in that way for the rest of the day.   
“Penny for your thoughts, Pads?” James smirked.

“Oh I was just thinking that I should take my broom for a service. It’s been flying slightly to the left all term so I think it needs a bit of TLC,” Sirius lied convincingly. 

James, realising that he should assist his friend, said that they could go into Diagon Alley the next day, and they decided that, as it was Sirius’s birthday, they would make a day of it. 

The three of them spent the afternoon lazing in the garden. James attempted to read the others’ palm, with limited success. Remus groaned at his prediction that he would marry a banshee, and lay his head to rest upon James’s lap, letting out a little yawn which belied his tiredness.   
“Nope, sorry mate, I’ve been enlisted to help with dinner” James smiled “I’m sure Sirius will be your pillow though!” Sirius laughed and patted his lap, indicating that he had no intention of moving. Remus obligingly moved his head into Sirius’s lap and sighed contentedly. Within seconds, he was letting out soft little snores. James stood up and walked towards the house. He mouthed “you’re welcome” at his friend, and smirked his infuriating smirk once more. 

Remus slept like that for two hours while Sirius studied every detail of his face; each scar and freckle only served to make him more handsome, he thought. He just about resisted the urge to stroke his hair, but only just. 

Remus was only woken when the dark clouds broke and rain began to fall from the sky in great big splats. He stood up quickly and reached out a hand to help Sirius, whose leg, it transpired, had completely fallen asleep. 

“Oh fuck,” Sirius exclaimed as he fell straight back down to the ground. Remus tried to help him again, but was laughing so much that his arms ceased to work. His left hand was clutching his stomach and his right was still clasping that of Sirius. The laughter was infectious and Sirius soon was doubled over, trying to regain his composure enough to stand up. The situation was made more ridiculous as the rain began hammering down. Remus kept trying to pull Sirius to his feet, but his wet hands had become slippery and Sirius found himself on his backside, this time pulling the werewolf down with him. The pair were laughing so much they were sure their sides would split. 

They lay on the sodden grass, hand in hand. Remus looked over at Sirius, who caught his eye and grinned. Their laughter slowly ebbed. Each looked into the other’s eyes for too long, knowing they should look away. Sirius found himself absent mindedly stroking Remus’s hand with his thumb. He realised what he was doing and chastised himself. But then the werewolf wasn’t pulling away. And so they lay in glorious limbo, not moving but for the rise and fall of their chests. 

Both wished they could have stayed, but dinner was soon on the table. They changed out of their wet clothes and into warm, scratchy jumpers supplied by James’s mum. Each shivered slightly as they piled generous portions of chicken pie onto their plates, and James wondered aloud why they had stayed out in the rain for so long. Remus flushed slightly and said that the heat of the day had been so intense that they were glad of the opportunity to cool down. It was only a half lie, and was enough to get James off their back. 

James’s dad let them all have a glass of wine (or three) with their meal. The conversation flowed easily, and James updated his parents on his progress with Lily. 

“She’s just so good, you know?” James grinned. “She’s pretty and funny and intelligent and she actually likes me!”

“Sounds like the whole package,” Mr Potter laughed. “What’s her surname then, wizarding family?”

“Actually, she’s muggle born. And it’s Evans.”

“Evans, eh? Solid name, that. She could teach you a thing or two about the real world I’d imagine James. Sensible, too, starting to see a muggle born girl. These things are getting too insular and I’m certain more and more people are starting to marry distant relatives all for the sake of keeping the bloodlines “pure.” Yeah it might be pure, mate, but your son’s got two willies because you married your cousin Hilda.”

Everyone laughed, including Mrs Potter. She did take this as a cue however to place the cork back in the open bottle on the table, winking at Remus as she did so. 

“And what about you two, then?” she asked kindly, directing her glance at the wiry young men sat at the opposite side of the table. “Any great tales of love to keep an old woman happy?”

“Ah well there’s a question without an interesting answer, Mrs P. Besides, you know I only have eyes for you!” Sirius winked, and Mr Potter flicked a pea at him in mock-disgust. 

“And what about you, love?” she shifted her attention to Remus. 

“Remus happens to have snagged the most wanted girl in school!” James grinned. 

“Oh, well, actually, we’ve decided to leave it for now,” Remus corrected his friend calmly, a shy smile sneaking over his face, “what with it being summer and all. Maybe there’ll be something when we go back to school but it’s not like we were properly together or anything in the first place really.” He looked straight at Sirius who sat up straighter in his seat. He didn’t want to appear too interested, but inside he was dancing. He wanted to say something but the words caught in his throat. Eventually he managed to utter a soft “oh” of surprise, but eloquence was beyond him. He looked up at James and silently willed him to react so that he didn’t have to. James seemed to get the message because he changed the subject. He and his father launched into a half hour debate about the Falmouth Falcons who had controversially just purchased a key player from Puddlemere United. It was a conversation to which Sirius would normally have gladly contributed, but he sipped his wine in silence, his eyes on Remus and his mind a mess of jumbled thoughts.

When Sirius excused himself from the table it was after ten. The summer sky was filled with colours as the sun set behind the Potters’ house. He snuck upstairs to the bathroom, where he decided he would take a shower to wash off the rain and strain of the day. He plunged his head under the steaming jet of water and felt oddly at peace. Remus vanished from his mind as he focused only on washing himself and the sensation of the water on his body. He emerged from the shower feeling fresh. For the first time, the wine had hit him slightly and he felt warm all over. He decided that bed was the solution and climbed naked underneath the sheet Mrs Potter had given him. A duvet was far too hot for the weather, but the sheet left him cool and able to sleep without breaking a sweat. 

Sirius was asleep by the time Remus entered the room. The light flickered on but Sirius didn’t stir. Remus groaned as he noticed that his friend’s naked body was covered only by a thin sheet which clung to him leaving very little to the imagination. He took off his clothes, determinedly trying not to look. He put on pyjamas and clambered into bed. The warmth of the evening clung to him and there was no shaking it. Nor could he shake the warmth he had felt earlier in the evening when he and Sirius had been so close to... to what, exactly? What would have happened if the two of them hadn’t had to go inside? They might have inched closer, close enough for their lips to touch. Then they might have got naked, married, lived happily ever after?

“Stop being a dick,” Remus muttered aloud. Whatever it was that he had imagined earlier had no fairytale ending. Men did not marry men. Werewolves didn’t marry anyone. Yes, he wanted Sirius, he finally admitted to himself. He wanted to touch him, kiss him, be his companion. He wanted to lie in the garden with him, come rain or shine, pretending that they were the only two people in the whole world. It was a significant revelation, and one which required a considerable amount of thought. But the tragedy was, Remus mused, that they were not the only two people in the world. There were others. Plenty of others. Others who could not even begin to understand what existed between the two of them. 

Besides, he thought. Maybe what existed between them was merely a figment of his imagination. 

Yes, he nodded, there was no great love here, just the sort of affection that was bound to arise between two friends who had grown up together. And there was no guarantee that Sirius even liked him back. Was there?

He decided, as he was wont to do, to deconstruct what he knew, in the hope that he could work out a plan of action. There was no reason not to think logically about this... problem. Logic had never steered him down the wrong path yet. 

Sirius liked someone. A boy. Could the boy be him? 

It wasn’t probable. Sirius reckoned that the person he liked was out of his league, so he couldn’t have been talking about him. He’d also said that the person had loads of girls after him, which he did not. Really, the only person he could have been talking about was himself, and Remus liked to think that even Sirius wasn’t that narcissistic. So assuming that Sirius wasn’t in love with his own reflection, there had to be someone. And he didn’t think Sirius was close enough to anyone else to be so besotted. But then he didn’t dare believe that it could be him. 

But Sirius hadn’t let go of his hand. In fact, he had stroked it. Friends did not stroke friends’ hands. He thought back to the look on Sirius’s face. It was a look that was thrilling and soft around the edges; one he had seen just once before, in that strange and frustrating detention. It was a look so loaded with tenderness; a look so un-Sirius. Just thinking about it gave Remus a pleasant shiver, and an equally pleasant stirring in the trouser area.

For God’s sake, this was not sustainable. He wasn’t gay, and what he was experiencing was just a good, old-fashioned crush. He certainly didn’t feel very gay when Harriet Baker was doing things to him which would make a sailor blush. He didn’t feel very gay when they decided to call it off, and said goodbye with a particularly passionate kiss. 

No, it was just a crush. 

He glanced at Sirius, wrapped in that flimsy sheet. He could make out the outline of his naked body, and noticed how his tanned arms stood out against the white cotton. His glance fell to Sirius’s face. His lips were slightly parted and he was sleeping heavily. Even asleep, he was devastatingly handsome, and Remus had to admit as he admired his friend that maybe, just for a moment, he felt pretty damn gay. 

He sighed and curled up alone in bed, staring at Sirius just feet away. Something had to give, he thought. He sunk into sleep, knowing the next few days would change everything somehow.


	10. Chapter 10

“Wake up you lazy arse!” James boomed as he kicked the door open with a bang. He was carrying a tray full of tea, which he plonked unceremoniously onto Sirius’s bedside table. Remus was in tow, his arms full of presents, his face engulfed in a delicious grin. 

“Erm, Pads, what’s wrong with your face?” James giggled.

“What do you mean what’s wrong with my face?” Sirius looked confused as he sat up in bed, rearranging his sheet to cover key areas. 

“It’s a bit red,” Remus muttered as his eyes creased in worry. 

“You look like a lobster.” James was less sympathetic. 

Sirius leapt out of bed, seemingly forgetting that he was naked as the day he was born, and ran to the mirror. 

“My face!” he wailed dramatically, running his hands over his usually immaculate visage. “My body!” he winced, taking in his scarlet limbs which had begun to feel uncomfortably hot. “What on earth has happened!? Remus?” He turned to his friend for an explanation. His mind was racing. He’d been hexed. Or contracted some sort of terrible disease. Yes, he was definitely dying.  
“Sirius, it’s sunburn. Did you not have any ointment on yesterday?” Remus enquired. 

“Balls.”

James ran downstairs to fetch some healing balm which would sort the problem out in no time. Once Sirius was alone with Remus, he seemed to realise the extent of his nakedness and felt shy suddenly. He grabbed yesterday’s pants from the floor and quickly clambered into them. Remus pretended that he hadn’t noticed just how much of his bright-red friend was on display, while shifting nervously on the spot. 

James returned holding a small green pot, emblazoned with the words ‘Salador’s Saviour Salve’. He passed the pot to Sirius who unscrewed the lid and set it to one side, revealing a congealed green goo. 

“Eurgh, what on earth is this?” he squirmed, “I’m not sure I want to touch it, let alone slather it on my body!”

“Oh come here,” Remus huffed, scooping up a splodge of the salve and spreading it evenly on his friend’s arms and shoulders. His raw arms faded instantly from crimson to his usual dark tan. Remus carried on, applying the cooling gel to Sirius’s legs and then to his face. He tried not to smile too much as he tenderly ran his fingers over the other boy’s cheeks, watching his face revert to its normal model-esque state. 

“Thanks Moony,” Sirius beamed, “thought it was touch and go for a while there!”

“No worries,” Remus blushed, wishing he had an excuse to leave his hands on Sirius’s body a little longer. 

“Happy birthday then, old boy,” James pipped, “shall we do presents now?” 

“Presents, presents, presents!” Sirius enthused, looking ever more canine. 

Remus’s stomach flipped pleasantly. He reached for his present; a small package wrapped in brown paper, tied with string. He was excited to see the birthday boy’s face when he realised what he had done. 

Sirius eyed the parcel, brimming with curiosity. He unwrapped it slowly, as if afraid that something of it would escape. It was a pot; deep red with a gold band running around the rim. An ink well. 

“Wow, thank you Moony, I love it!” Sirius beamed. 

“Look at the inscription.”

“GG” Sirius gasped, “No, it can’t be-”

“Gryffindor's,”Remus smiled sheepishly “I found it in Diagon Alley last summer, but had to wait to give it to you.”

“It’s perfect,” Sirius whispered, and absentmindedly reached for Remus’s hand, which he held for a second before realising what he was doing. He let it go, but not before James had begun raising his eyebrows suggestively. “Err, thanks so much, it’s amazing!”

“You’re welcome.” Remus couldn’t stop smiling. Damn hand-holding, beautiful man. 

“Open mine now!” James unceremoniously threw a featherweight parcel at the birthday boy, who tore off the wrapping greedily. “Oh Prongs, you... really shouldn’t have,” Sirius laughed as a giant inflatable penis fell into his lap. 

“You know, in honour of your newfound manlove. Happy birthday, mate. I love you!”

“Love you too. A giant cock from a giant cock!” Sirius winked. He sighed contentedly, thinking that there was no place in the world he would rather be than here with his two favourite people. He made a mental note to remember how lucky he was whenever he was feeling a little mopey. Things weren’t so bad, no matter how inappropriately in love with Remus he was. 

***

James handed over six silver sickles in exchange for three butterbeers. Sirius had, while inspecting broomstick servicing kits, impulsively bought himself a new broomstick; a birthday present to himself. Remus had dragged the others to Flourish and Blotts where he emerged with a large leatherbound book entitled ‘Medieval Curses’. He was fascinated by magic in the middle ages and enthused about his find for a good fifteen minutes before James shoved a tankard below his nose. 

They toasted Sirius’s seventeen years enthusiastically, and wondered what to do next. Sirius sidled up to the bar and convinced the buxom barmaid to serve them something a little stronger. He leant over the bar seductively and she brushed his hair out of his eyes, entranced. Sirius whispered something in her ear and she threw her head back in raucous laughter.

She looked familiar to Remus, with her curly black hair and come hither eyes. But where had he seen her before?

“Renée Belize,” James prompted, seeing Remus’s eyes settle on the woman who had now removed her cardigan, revealing soft curves and perfect dark skin. He realised who she was and bristled visibly. Standing before them in all her splendour was the woman (yes definitely a woman now) to whom Sirius had lost his virginity.

James noticed Remus flinching and smiled kindly. “Knut for your thoughts?”

“It's nothing.” 

“He's not interested, Moony, he's just trying to get served,” James said quietly.

“It's nothing to do with me, he can fuck whoever he wants,” Remus whispered with more venom than he had intended. It didn't go unnoticed by James who thought this might be his moment. 

“Moony, why did you break up with Harriet?” he asked, trying not to overstep the line.

“I didn't, she broke it off with me.” 

“Why?”

“She said my heart wasn't in it.”

“Was it?”

Remus sighed “I mean, it's hard, isn't it? She’s so beautiful and clever and really made me laugh. But it wasn't right. She wasn't-”

“Wasn't Sirius?” James asked gently.

“...wasn't Sirius.” He nodded solemnly. “How did you know?” he asked after a loaded pause.

“I mean, Sirius has been talking to this girl for five minutes and you've managed to dig your nails so deeply into your wrist that you've drawn blood,” James grinned.

Remus returned his grin and muttered “I'm going through a phase, that's all. I don't fancy men.” 

“You fancy that complete arse over there though. And did it ever occur to you that he might fancy you too?” James winked, gesturing to him not to respond as he saw Sirius returning with six shot glasses of what looked suspiciously like absinthe. 

“Bottoms up!” Sirius chuckled, reaching for a glass. “Oh come on now, it's my birthday!”

The boys rolled their eyes and selected their poison. Remus was glad that he'd opted to sip at his, given the expression on the others’ faces as they downed theirs in one. 

By the time dusk fell, their cheeks were rosy and their voices loud. Sirius had got up to go to the loo twenty minutes ago but now found himself once more next to the striking woman behind the bar. She was cooing about how much he’d grown up, and he was letting her. 

Remus was sat with James, absentmindedly playing with the condensation his glass had left on the table. 

“So, he’s supposed to like men now, right?” Remus smiled, afraid that he otherwise might burst into tears. 

“That is what he claims, yes.” James giggled, “but old habits die hard and that.”

When Renée crossed to the other side of the bar and had the audacity to sit on Sirius’s lap, Remus thought he might explode right there in his chair. Sirius snaked his hands around her waist and whispered something to her. He looked up. Looked straight at Remus. Then they stood up and walked hand in hand towards the guest bedrooms. 

Remus was stunned. James was stunned. The warlock sat at the next table was stunned. Nobody was manning the bar so James trotted over and poured two more drinks, leaving a couple of coins by the till. He handed one to Remus who smiled ruefully and took a sip. 

“Prongs, this is delicious! Maybe you should work here instead. You’re about the only person in the world who wouldn’t fuck Sirius. You wouldn’t, right?”

“Right,” James affirmed, “I would categorically not fuck Sirius.”

“Even if he did like me, I wouldn’t be able to handle it, you know. I’d die of jealousy every time someone showed an interest. Which is always.” 

“I know what you mean. There was that time Longbottom tried it on with Lily and I hexed him so hard,” James smiled. 

“I wouldn’t say that making someone have a week-long thirst for tomato juice is ‘hexing them hard’. 

“Next time I’ll blow his fucking... hair off.”

“Steady on now mate, it’s not like hair grows back or anything!” They both laughed. 

Around an hour(!) later, Sirius emerged, whistling nonchalantly. Renée followed, trying her best not to look like she had just been very intimate indeed with the birthday boy. Sirius plonked himself down and winked at his friends, who were, by now, as drunk as a skunk. 

“Nostalgia.” He grinned in response to the puzzled look on their faces. 

“But you’re...gay?” James said. 

“Certainly gayer,” Sirius smiled “but it’s like, muscle memory, isn’t it?”

“Nobstalgia, if you will!” Remus slurred, grinning wonkily. 

“Exactly, my little pally. Besides, I’ve been a little bit cockstarved since the revelation that I am a homosexualist. There aren’t as many men who want to touch my trouser snake, so I had to be resourceful.” 

He decided to leave out certain key bits of information. Like how he could only get excited when he closed his eyes and imagined that it was Remus who was touching him all over. Or how he’d had to bite his lip to stop himself shouting his name. Or how now he felt so empty and yearned only for a warm and tender embrace from the one person he knew he wasn’t allowed to touch. He silently cursed his friend for ruining his favourite hobby. But then he looked up, straight into Remus’s tipsy eyes which were full of warmth and sorrow. He reminded himself that some things mattered much, much more than sex and decided that he wouldn’t bemoan the way things were now. 

He wanted more than anything to tell Remus everything. That he was in love with him. That he was the reason he got up in the morning and the reason he couldn’t sleep at night. He wanted to shake him and tell him that they should be together. That nobody else would suffice. Suddenly, he felt a profound sense of loneliness that he had never experienced before. The lone wolf wanted his werewolf and he knew that nothing else could fill the void. He decided that he had to try and do something about it. Either way, he would be miserable, but at least this way he’d know for sure. 

But tonight was not the night. He’d had too much to drink. Remus certainly had. James was so drunk that he’d begun to snore softly in the corner. Maybe it was home time. He could still feel Remus’s gaze burning through him, judging him, scolding him. Not tonight, Remus. Not tonight. He stood up, his chair scraping. He went over to James, tapped him on the shoulder, and gestured that it was time to go. The three apparated back to James’s, arm in arm in arm. They spilled onto the sofa and were shocked when the clock in the corner revealed that it was two o’clock in the morning. A good innings, they all agreed. Sirius, the only relatively sober one amongst them, trotted to the kitchen to put the kettle on. He made them all a sobering coffee and escorted the other two upstairs. 

Remus sat on the edge of his bed and willed the room to stop spinning. Sirius bundled himself into his duvet and sipped his coffee tentatively. He could feel his eyes drooping and sleep taking over. He put the mug on the floor and gave into his fatigue.

Remus was too drunk. And his thoughts were fuzzy. And so he clambered into bed with his friend, his chest pressed into Sirius’s back and his arm slung around his waist. Sirius grunted sleepily and continued to snore long into the night.


	11. Chapter 11

James’s mum cleared her throat pointedly. James awoke with a start, confused as to why he was on the lounge floor in just his pants. He could barely think about it, however, because as soon as he sat up, it felt like a shard of metal was piercing through his head. He winced dramatically.

“Mum, I think this is the end. I leave everything to Lily. Please don’t let Sirius speak at my funeral.”

“Haha, very funny. I think somebody overindulged last night?”

“A tad,” James conceded. 

“We have a potion in the bathroom that will make you feel better. Not that you deserve it!” she laughed and ruffled his hair. “Are the boys not up yet? It’s nearly lunchtime. It’ll be on the table in ten minutes.”

“I’ll go and wake them up,” James mumbled, clutching his head as he ascended the stairs. 

He poked his head around the door and smiled. Sirius and Remus were in the same bed. Sirius’s head was buried in Remus’s chest and they were the picture of contentedness. He almost felt bad waking them. Almost. 

“Oi, lovebirds, wake the fuck up!” he yelled. “Lunch is ready.” He grinned and strolled to the bathroom in search of the magic potion that would make it all go away. 

“Morning,” Sirius whispered. “When did you come in?”

“I have no idea,” Remus blushed. “I don’t really remember anything from last night. Are you... wearing clothes?”

“Yup. You?”

“Pants.”

“That counts,” Sirius grinned. “We should get up,” he sighed. They were still uncomfortably close. 

Remus could smell Sirius. He could feel the heat coming off his body. He could sense him trembling beside him, which was odd because the room was beautifully warm. He couldn’t remember how he had ended up in bed with him. He was pretty sure nothing had happened. Nothing relationship-ruiningly bad. “We should get up,” he agreed. 

They untangled, suddenly shy. Remus extracted himself from the single bed and popped some trousers on. Sirius focused on looking at anything but his bare, scarred torso which he so wanted to touch. Remus hated his body, he knew. Sirius, though, thought it was magnificent. It was familiar and alien. He was used to curves and feminine softness, but Remus was taught and angular and infinitely kissable. 

Sirius got out of bed and slung on his dressing gown. He smiled reassuringly at Remus, as if to say that they would work it out sooner rather than later and not to worry too much. Or maybe it was a pity smile. Remus wasn’t sure. But he’d take it. 

Lunch was a tasty soup made from the summer vegetables bursting out of every border in the garden. They ate it gingerly, alternating with sips of coffee and not saying much. Sirius knew that he was staring at Remus but was too tired to be subtle. Remus was staring into the bottom of his bowl, feeling slightly nauseous. James was staring at a spot on the floor that he thought looked a little like Professor McGonagall. It was a breezy day and a wind chime jingled in the background. Remus looked up and caught Sirius looking at him. He held his glance for a second, then looked away ruefully. 

As the soup disappeared, Remus realised he was cross as hell. It was classic Sirius to tug on everyone’s heart strings by coming out of the closet, only to jump back into the sack with a barmaid as soon as the opportunity presented itself. He couldn’t believe he’d fallen for all of it. Nothing had changed, not really. Sirius wasn’t really gay, he just loved the attention and the drama. And now he’d done something very bad indeed; he’d unwittingly coaxed Remus into developing feelings for him. Big feelings. He wouldn’t even put it past him if the whole thing had been an elaborate ruse just to test the extent of his powers of seduction.

Remus began to second guess everything. Did he still like women? Did Sirius? He could feel his eyes on him but didn’t know what to think. Oh God, he’d got into bed with him. And Sirius was probably just thrilled that his stupid, manipulative plan was working. He sighed, seemingly quite loudly as everyone stopped eating and looked around. 

“I’m going for a walk,” he announced, scraping his chair against the slate floor. Everyone looked at him, surprised. But he ignored them all, dumped his bowl in the sink and flounced out. Sirius and James exchanged quizzical looks but were none the wiser. Remus was not the flouncing kind and this was highly out of character. 

They excused themselves from the dinner table and scurried away to the lounge where they hastily started a game of wizard’s chess. 

“What did you do?” James whispered accusingly as he moved his first pawn. 

“Absolutely nothing!” Sirius looked hurt. 

“You woke up in the same bed.”

“I know.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” Sirius shrugged, “He climbed into bed with me at some point during the night. We slept. That’s it.”

“Did you get an inappropriate boner? Did he?” James teased. 

“Is there such thing as an inappropriate boner when you’re cuddling without many clothes on?” Sirius grinned. 

“Do you think he thinks something happened?” 

“Nope. We both woke up clothed. And I remember last night even if he doesn’t. And when we woke up, he didn’t seem freaked out or anything.”

“Weird.”

“Weird.” Sirius nodded. 

“I’ve decided I’m going to tell him,” Sirius blurted. 

“You are? That’s brave!” James remarked. 

“By brave, do you mean stupid?” Sirius asked. 

“Yes, yes I do.” James laughed. 

“I just have to tell him, I feel like it’s eating me up. And I’m just not interested in anyone else.”

“Not Renée?” 

“Oh no!” Sirius grinned. “She was just there and she wanted me and I was lonely.” 

“Look, I really, truly don’t want to get involved. But he wasn’t happy about it,” James said quietly. 

“Remus? Why not?” Sirius sat up, his interest piquing and his pupils wide. 

“I think that’s something you should be discussing with him.” James looked serious for the first time in his life. 

***

Remus was walking who knows where. He was chuntering away to himself when he ended up in the middle of the nearby village. There were not many options for entertainment that he could see. There was an old, rickety pub, a cafe, a couple of clothes shops, and a bench around which a gaggle of youngsters was gathered. 

He plumped for the cafe and pushed the door open, prompting the jangling of a musical bell. A handsome asian man greeted him with a wry smile. 

“Hey there! Think someone needs a coffee?”

“Someone definitely does!” Remus nodded gratefully, selecting a small table near the cash register. The waiter set about steaming milk for Remus’s cappuccino. His tight jeans and muscle t-shirt left little to the imagination. Remus caught himself looking. At a guy’s arse. A guy who wasn’t Sirius. This was a first. The man looked like he was in his early twenties. Judging by his style and mannerisms, Remus thought he was probably gay but wasn’t sure. He was instantly drawn to him. 

The man turned back around and walked across the cafe, setting the coffee down on the table. Remus started to get his wallet out of his pocket but the man shook his head. “It’s on me.”

“Th-thanks... Arun” Remus stuttered, reading the man’s name badge. 

“Don’t sweat it!” Arun smiled again. “Rough day?”

“Rough week. Rough year.” Remus smiled. 

“What’s her name?” 

“Haha, not a her, actually.” Remus blushed. 

“Oh I see!” Arun stood up a little straighter. “Tell me about the bastard.” 

“Oh he’s not a bastard,” Remus started, “he’s my best friend.”

“Best friend with benefits?” Arun winked. 

“No, no, nothing like that. He’s just a friend.”

“So what’s the issue?”

“No issue, really” Remus lied. “He’s just infuriating!” He smiled. 

Arun pulled up a chair and sat at the table beside Remus. He dropped the subject of Sirius and began to talk about his long, uneventful days working in the cafe that had just enough customers to stay afloat but not enough customers to ever be busy. He told him he was meant to be working there while he figured out what he wanted to do with his life, but somehow had ended up staying for three years. He spoke about a long love affair that had ended not too long ago, and how it had taken him an embarrassingly long time to realise that he liked men. He wasn’t academic but he didn’t think he was stupid either. He was a skilled artist and musician but had no time for books. 

Remus enjoyed an hour, letting Arun tell him about his life, saying little in return. He nodded encouragingly, occasionally asking questions and laughing in the right places. He felt better. 

“So what’s your deal, Lupin?” he asked as Remus was standing up to leave. 

Remus laughed “what do you mean, what’s my deal?”

“Are you seeing anyone?” Arun pressed. 

“Erm, not as such,” Remus blushed “but I’m not... you know...” 

“Gay? Oh, okay.” Arun grinned. “Well, not gay Remus. You know where I am if you ever want to come back and see me!” 

“I do!” Remus nodded, smiling. “Thanks Arun, it was really nice to chat.”

Arun winked and waved him goodbye, admiring Remus as he slipped out the door and trotted back towards the main road out of the village. 

He walked back to James’s much more slowly than he had walked into the village. Hands in pockets, he sauntered, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his back and the summer breeze in his hair. He thought about what he had said to the attractive guy in the cafe, that he wasn’t gay. It wasn’t exactly a lie; more of a truth that didn’t quite reach the edges of reality. He sighed. What did that even mean? Maybe he was getting too hung up on his sexuality. He’d heard it described before as a spectrum, and he liked that thought; that he didn’t have to fall on either side of the line, but could sit somewhere in the grey area. It was more difficult to define, perhaps, but why was that his problem? It wasn’t, he nodded, happy with what was happening in his unusually peaceful mind. 

He thought then of Sirius and the outline of his sculpted bottom as seen through that sheer white sheet. He thought of how he had felt that morning, waking up with his best friend’s head buried in his chest just hours after he had been naked with the stunning barmaid. He pictured their encounter in vivid detail; Sirius’s deft hands and tongue on her, making her moan. The thought made him feel a bit sick and he steadied himself on a wall. 

He wondered whether liking Sirius had just been a knee-jerk reaction to his coming out of the closet. And given that Remus was exploring his own sexuality, had he just gravitated towards his friend as a means to do so? It wasn’t out of the question. 

And what about Arun? He’d definitely been interested in Remus, who’d felt an instant attraction to him. Why not just explore these new not-straight-but-not-necessarily-gay feelings with him? He decided he would return to the cafe the next day to see where, if anywhere, it would go. And he felt good about that decision. He resolved not to overthink things too much in the meantime. He set off again, not quite sure if he was going in the right direction, but then he heard familiar raised voices coming from a wheat field as he rounded the corner. 

Remus grinned and observed his two best, dorky friends practising their quidditch drills under the intense summer sun. James spotted him and beckoned him over. Remus vaulted the crooked style and trotted over to his friends. 

“Remus, where on earth did you get to, stropbag?” James asked, his head cocked to one side. 

“Just for a wander” Remus smiled sadly. “Sorry for being a bit pissy, I just needed some time.” 

“No worries, mate,” Sirius said, his tone cool and detached. 

“Everything okay?” James mused. 

“Yes, yes, all fine thank you. The hangover got on top of me, sorry guys.” 

“Forget it,” James smiled “want to join?” 

Remus nodded and grabbed the spare broomstick, Sirius’s old one. 

“How’s the new broom, Sirius?” he asked. 

“Well,” Sirius frowned “It’s pretty fancy.” 

“He’s having some teething problems!” James grinned “He can’t make turns or go up and down, but it’s pretty sweet if he’s just going straight ahead.” 

“And it feels nice between my legs.” Sirius winked and Remus couldn’t help but smile. 

“Right, teach me how to do those fancy turn things you guys are so good at.” Remus mounted his broom and threw himself into improving his quidditch game. Sirius abandoned his errant broom in favour of coaching Remus. He taught him how to do screeching turns without losing his balance and how to accelerate to the perfect snitch-catching speed without messing up his hair. What Remus lacked in flair, he made up for in studiousness and his progression was swift. 

“You’re not bad, Moony. You should practise more often!” Sirius suggested, pleased with his work. Remus remarked that he was not cut out for the sporting life and jumped off his broom, aching from the effort. His mouth hurt from smiling. He was glad he had come back. 

They strolled back to James’s house, debating how to spend the evening. It was warm and pleasant so they sat in the garden for a while drinking ice cold water with lime, brought to them by James’s mum. She handed James a letter that had arrived while they were out. Seeing that the envelope was written in Lily’s writing, James emitted a tiny little squeal and he accidentally tore the letter inside in half in his haste to get it open. 

He read aloud:

‘Hi James 

How are you doing? For me, the novelty of summer has worn off already! My sister is driving me crazy and keeps acting like I’m about to hex her or something! 

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about you lots. We kind of left things up in the air when school ended and I’d like to see you. Would you like to see me? 

Let me know. My parents are driving to Wales for a few nights tomorrow and will go quite near where you are. They could drop me off in the morning and I could spend a couple of days with you guys. But only if it’s okay with your parents, obviously. 

Best, Lily x

P.S. Don’t get any ideas. I will not be sharing your bed!’

“Mum!” James yelled, running into the house. “Mum!” He nearly ran straight into his mother. 

“Whatever’s the matter, dear?” she laughed kindly. 

“Lily! Lily can come and stay for a few days. Can she come and stay for a few days? Can she? Please?”

His mum smiled. She figured that her son was seventeen and he couldn’t be her baby forever. Who knew what these charming young men got up to at school? She thought back to her own school days at Hogwarts and giggled to herself thinking about the things she did in those dormitories. Who was she to judge? 

“She can come, love. Your father and I would love to meet her.” 

“Aghhhhh, thanks Mum, you’re the best!” he hugged her and ran to tell his friends of the exciting new development. 

“Wow! So she doesn’t even regret letting you snog her!” Sirius teased. 

“Mate, she snogged me! I know, I couldn’t believe it either! She’s such an ace kisser. Like, I just want to kiss her and only her forever.” 

“I get it,” Sirius muttered quietly, making Remus’s stomach flip. Since when had Sirius been satisfied with the thought of shagging just one person for the rest of his life? He really was full of surprises these days. 

With James’s mood as light as a feather and Sirius’s as heavy as lead, dinner had an interesting vibe. 

Sirius was looking at Remus’s lovely eyes and mouth, thinking about how he was going to speak to him. The timing had to be just right. And what on earth was he going to say? The feeling that he didn’t want to jeopardise what he had with him was stronger than ever and the stakes felt horribly, nauseatingly high. But the alternative was to sacrifice his sanity fretting all day, every day that he would do something stupid. Or worse, never do anything at all and die miserable, cockstarved and alone. He was sick of his feet being cold at night with nobody to warm them. He was tired of dreaming that he and Remus were together and waking up to the cold, hard reality that he was sneaking off with someone else. He wanted everything and would settle for nothing less. 

It had to be done. 

Remus was looking at Sirius’s hands; large and smooth, his nails clean and trimmed. His thoughts strayed to a less wholesome place than Sirius’s as he thought of those hands working their magic on his body. He wanted to kiss him right there and then, before dragging him upstairs and ripping off his clothes. He could feel his cheeks redden and he looked determinedly at his plate. 

James was thinking of what he was going to wear the next day to impress his Lily. He thought he might make an effort and put on a shirt. Or he could play it cool with a t-shirt and leather jacket. So many options. He wondered what she would wear. She’d look great in anything, he thought. Would her hair be down? He loved it when she wore her hair down. Or would it be up? He loved it when she wore her hair up. He was so excited and so ready to see her. 

When dinner was done, Remus excused himself. He headed up to sit on his bed and read. Sirius and James had a quick game of wizard’s chess then decided that they too would retire to bed early so James could look his absolute best in the morning. Sirius made two cups of tea to take upstairs with him. He kicked the door open gently and Remus leapt up to gratefully take one of the steaming mugs off his friend. 

“Thanks Sirius,” he smiled timidly, licking his lips. 

“No problem!” Sirius chirped, feeling nervous suddenly. 

Sirius sat down on his bed and stared at his feet for a while. Remus continued to read. The only sound was the occasional page turn, broken eventually by Sirius. 

“Rem, can I talk to you about something?” 

“Of course, Pads, everything ok?”

“Erm, sort of. I want to tell you something. But it’s quite big and I’m worried about what it means for our relationship.” Sirius shifted in bed, his heart racing. 

“Yours and mine?” 

“Yes.”

“Pads, you’re freaking me out,” Remus looked around, eyes brimming with concern. 

“Well, erm, for some time now, I’ve been feeling... erm. I’ve seen you as-”

But he was interrupted as James clattered through the door. 

“Guys, do you trim your pubes?” he wailed, sitting between the two of them. Remus laughed violently and almost spat out some tea. 

“Sorry James?” he grinned.   
“I mean, if I trim them, she’ll think I’m expecting something. But if I go au-naturel, she might think that I’m a scruff. Do you routinely trim yours, Pads? Even if you’re not expecting sex?” 

“I’m not a barbarian, of course I trim them!” Sirius laughed heartily. “Besides, I’m always expecting sex.”

“What about you, Moony?” James enquired.

Remus blushed. “I keep things fairly neat down there. But no drastic waxing or anything.” There was a collective shudder of agreement. 

“Right, so I’ll go for groomed in an ungroomed way” James nodded. “She’s probably not gonna see it anyway!”

“That’s the spirit” Remus grinned. 

James ended up staying for another hour, obsessing loudly about Lily to a receptive but sleepy audience. When he eventually announced that he was heading to bed, Sirius’s stomach lurched. Now he was going to have to resume the conversation that had been so rudely interrupted. But as he turned to face Remus’s bed, he saw that he was already asleep, his chest rising and falling gently, dead to the world. Balls. He had been so very close!


	12. Chapter 12

James had agreed to meet Lily in the village. He was nervous so he asked Remus and Sirius to tag along for moral support. They sauntered into the village and arrived twenty minutes early. It was a beautiful day. They opted to sit and wait in the dappled shade of an ancient oak tree and watch the world go by. Remus sat upright when he saw a familiar face.

“Arun! Hey, how’s it going?” he asked the tall man walking towards him.

“Morning Remus, nice to see you!” Arun grinned, looking even more attractive today in a crisp white shirt and tailored shorts. “I swear there have never been three good looking guys in this village before! Must be my lucky day,” he grinned, catching Sirius’s eye.

Sirius did not return his grin, but he couldn’t help but notice how annoyingly cute the guy standing before him was. 

“Are you going to introduce me to your friends?” Arun asked, taking a seat on the spare patch of grass nearest Remus. 

“Of course! This is James, and this is Sirius” Remus smiled, slightly unnerved at the look on Arun’s face when he shook Sirius’s hand and introduced himself.

“Nice to meet you, James and Sirius.” 

“Nice to meet you, Arun!” James said politely, wondering what the introduction of this new lothario meant for his two pathetic best friends who were painfully close to getting together. He couldn’t tell which of them Arun was interested in, but knew they’d have an interesting time finding out. 

Arun explained to the group how he and Remus had met, breaking out a bag of pastries that he’d pinched from work and sharing them around. Sirius had a face like thunder as Arun batted his lashes at the object of his affections. James desperately tried to clear the air. 

“So, what does everyone think of the new Minister for Magic? What’s his name? Bundremall?” he attempted.

“Bundall” Remus corrected. “And I have no strong thoughts, but well done for reading a paper. James!” 

“I think he’s quite debonaire. Actually. Bit of a dreamboat.” Sirius winked at whoever was watching. 

“I mean, he’s not my type, but I see what you mean” Arun winked back, and this time it was Remus’s turn to feel jealous. 

Remus suddenly realised that he’d shot himself in the foot. In telling Arun he wasn’t gay, he’d paved the way for newly actually gay Sirius to try out new things with a hunky, experienced older man. He had as-good-as set them up and walked them down the aisle. They certainly made a very attractive pairing, though he wasn’t sure what the conservative little village of Sageham would make of the union. Or maybe he was getting ahead of himself. It was just one wink, after all. 

His thoughts were interrupted as Lily strode towards them. She wore a white summer dress and sandals, and looked uncharacteristically relaxed. Her hair flowed out behind her as she shot all three of them a stunning smile. 

“Hello boys” she said, in a slightly sultry manner. 

“Hello Lily!” James smiled shyly, standing up to kiss her on the cheek. “You look great. It’s so nice to see you.” 

“Same,” she whispered, squeezing his hand gently before laying out a large linen scarf to sit on. “How are you all doing then?”

“We’re pretty good!” Remus smiled genuinely, pleased to see her after a couple of weeks. “This is Arun. He’s... new.” 

“Arun, lovely to meet you!” Lily flashed another winning smile, her emerald eyes glinting. She introduced herself and took a pumpkin pastry from the paper bag. “Gosh, it’s nice to be back with some ordinary people. Petunia is driving me absolutely batty!” 

“Lily’s from a muggle family” James explained to Arun, who had taken off his shirt to reveal a very tight v-neck t-shirt which showed a tightly sculpted body which Sirius, Remus, and even Lily were pretending not to have noticed. 

“Ah, me too!” Arun smiled ruefully. “They couldn’t really accept the news, or the gay thing, which is why I moved to a magical village. Beats the Black Country in the acceptance stakes, I tell you that for free.”

“Oh right” Lily nodded “You’ll have to give Sirius some tips as he’s only just come out of the closet, haven’t you Sirius?” 

“I see” Arun smiled wildly, licking his lips. “I can teach you a thing or two, Sirius.”

“Oh, it’s okay,” Sirius shook his head nonchalantly. “I know a thing or two.” But he felt a slight stirring in the trousers, even though he didn’t want to. He also wondered how Lily knew about his preference for men and vowed silently to grill Prongs about it later that day. 

“Actually, Lily, Sirius has gone back to the ladies” Remus said, slightly cruelly. “Renée Belize enjoyed his company the other night,” he explained to his redheaded friend. 

“Renée!?” Lily gawped. 

“Well, you know, she and I go back a long way.” Sirius looked down. “Actually, I didn’t enjoy it all that much, truth be told. It definitely clarified a few things for me,” he admitted candidly. 

“Definitely gay then?” Arun raised an eyebrow. 

“Definitely fully gay” Sirius blushed a little. This was new for him; he didn’t blush.

But he felt alive. Empowered. He suddenly realised, as he felt Arun’s admiring eyes on him, that even if he couldn’t persuade Remus to fall madly in love with him, there could be other men. It might have seemed obvious to any bystander, but it was the first time he’d given it any thought. He had been so busy fixating on wonderful Remus with his lovely sad eyes and adorable dimples and his moth-eaten jumpers he insisted on wearing even in summer, that he’d forgotten other men existed. But he had enjoyed his cheeky snog with Keeley, hadn’t he? In fact, it had been the most he’d enjoyed kissing someone, maybe ever. So he decided he could flirt back. It wouldn’t hurt anyone. He could still tell Remus how he felt at some point (those feelings weren’t going anywhere). But that conversation with his straight friend was only going to lead to one thing: heartbreak. There was no rush. 

***

There was to be a barbecue at James’s parents’ house that afternoon. The boys had been tasked with picking up the pre-ordered meat from the butchers in the village. Arun left them to start his shift in the cafe, but promised that he would come later to the party and bring his signature salad. The rest walked slowly back to James’s house in pairs: Lily and Remus, Sirius and James. 

“So, do you think they’ll get together?” Lily asked Remus quietly. 

“Who?” Remus looked at her. 

“Sirius and Arun!” seeing Remus’s face, she exclaimed “Come on! They’re perfect together! They could form a boyband and break thousands of hearts nationwide!” 

“Erm, I’m not sure” Remus said, shaking his head. “I mean, I don’t know if Sirius is just having us all on with his supposed homosexuality. He did jump straight into bed with Renée at his first opportunity.”

“He seemed pretty sincere earlier when he said his heart wasn’t in it,” Lily said, her eyes warm and optimistic. “I think for once in his life, he isn’t bullshitting. 

“Hmph.” 

Lily surveyed Remus with piercing, unnerving eyes. She scrunched her nose up, as if arguing with herself over whether she could put into words the sentence on the tip of her tongue. After a hesitant second, she breathed in deeply and spoke. “Do you think maybe you should talk to him? ...About how you feel?” she asked, slowly and kindly. 

“What do you mean?” he asked, aghast. 

“I mean, I’ve seen the way you look at him, Remus. And I think you feel really strongly about him.”

Remus paused. “I like him more than I like anyone.”

“Yes, I thought so. But the question is, do you like him as a friend or something more?” she probed. 

“I... I’m not sure.” 

“Can you imagine having sex with him?” she smiled. Remus blushed furiously and thrusted his hands into his pockets, sure they would give his deepest thoughts away somehow. 

“You sly dog!” Lily giggled. 

“But could it just be a platonic admiration?” Remus asked.

“Probably not if you want to touch his knob, no,” she sniggered. 

“But now he’s going to get together with Arun. And I’ve brought them together. What if it’s too late?” 

“Honestly Remus, they’ve only just met! For once in your life, please do try to get out of your own head for a bit,” Lily said. 

“Right, let’s change the subject. If I think about it anymore, I think my head might explode. And nobody needs that mess on their hands.”

“So this Arun is devilishly handsome,” James smirked to Sirius. “What do you reckon then?” 

“Fit.”

“And?” 

“And not Remus,” Sirius laughed, looking down at his combat boots in order to avoid his best friend’s omniscient stare. “But I had a bit of a mini epiphany back there. You know how I dated girls, and they didn’t have to be the one I was going to marry, but it was fun nonetheless? I mean, I figure I could theoretically do that with guys too?” 

“No shit, Sherlock,” James laughed, elbowing his friend in the ribs. 

“And maybe Arun could be one of those guys.” 

“Not a bad idea,” James said, what he hoped was impartially. “And what happened to the plan of telling Remus how you feel?” 

“Well I did try, actually. Last night. But then, well, you came in and started talking about the optimal length of pubic hair. I’ve got to say, it sort of ruined the mood.” Sirius chuckled. 

“Oh shit, sorry!”

“Oh, it’s fine.” He smiled kindly. “I’d have only made an arse of myself.”

“Very true,” James nodded solemnly. “Very true.”


	13. Chapter 13

Sirius was offered a beer by some distant relative of James’s. He declined politely. He wanted to be razor sharp and opted for a ginger beer. He took a seat on a bench by himself. He had worn the one nice shirt he had, and had even ironed it. He’d put on the cologne he knew Remus coveted and made a mental note to save up and buy him a bottle. The sun was setting and a cool breeze ruffled through the trees in the garden. He made a silent vow to himself to be brave, no matter what the evening had in store. 

A large marquee had been erected throughout the course of the afternoon. And the low key barbecue turned out to be a who’s who of the middle class metropolitan elite of the wizarding world. Sirius spotted at least three faces he recognised from chocolate frog cards, and the parents of several kids he knew from Hogwarts. He waved at a few that he recognised from the Hogwarts Express. 

He glanced over at Remus who was wearing a cute casual shirt and baggy black jeans. Sirius thought he looked a little drawn and his skin had a greyish tone. He wondered if he was feeling okay and did a quick calculation to establish when the new moon was due. Not for a week or so - there must have been something else wrong. His stomach lurched when he saw that Arun had arrived and had made a beeline for Remus, which didn’t work into either of his plans for the night. He was seething. Seeing Remus with a girl was one thing, but he was sure he’d spotted him blushing earlier that day when Arun was talking about how they met. Did Remus like Arun? 

No, don’t be stupid, he thought to himself. Remus liked girls. Didn’t he?

Before he’d had time to assess the situation properly, Arun grabbed Remus’s hand and seemed to stroke it. Hey, that was his move! In a flash, Arun had led Remus away with a hand on the small of his back, away from the prying eyes of the party guests. Sirius saw them walk towards the darkness of the night, towards some trees at the end of the garden which offered complete privacy. He felt his pulse in his ears and was conscious that he suddenly felt a little dizzy. 

This couldn’t be happening. 

James walked over to Sirius after seeing what had happened. “I think it’s time we spoke,” James said quietly, beckoning his friend away from prying ears. He touched him gingerly on the arm and began to speak, barely in a whisper. 

“Look, Sirius. I think you should know something. Remus likes you.”

“What?” Sirius asked, incredulous. 

“He likes you. In a romantical sort of a way. As in he thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread. He can’t stop thinking about you. He’d touch your trouser snake if you wanted him to.”  
Sirius sat down on the ground before he fell down with shock. 

“James, I swear to God that if you are winding me up right now, I will kill you and everyone you love.” 

“Not kidding.” 

“How do you know?” 

“Well, he told me.” 

“He told you!? He fucking told you? What were his exact words!? How long have you been sitting on this information, James!?”

“Not sure you’ve got time for this, actually, mate,” James gestured towards the sheltered area of the garden.” 

“He likes me.” Sirius swallowed. “He... likes me? But... but he’s... and Arun is so... and I’m...”

James regarded the boy he saw as a brother; the person he knew better than anyone. He squirmed a little and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Sirius, Arun is a flash in the pan. For everyone’s sake, go and talk to him.” 

Sirius didn’t need telling twice. He put his ginger beer down on the floor decisively and walked towards the wooded area, not knowing what he would find, but also suspecting deep down the scene that would great him. 

“Remus?” he whispered, edging his way through the darkness. 

He heard a moan. His heart skipped a beat. He shuffled forwards, remembering his vow of bravery. He made out the faint outline of two men kissing, grabbing each other hungrily and with unapologetic enthusiasm. He gasped audibly and Remus looked up. Their eyes met. Sirius felt a pain that seared across both shoulders as he tried to digest what was happening. He stumbled backwards, blurted an apology, and ran. 

Remus was experiencing one of those moments in life that you know is pivotal, even as it’s happening. He knew he had to make a choice: run after the man he thought maybe he loved, or for the first time, opt not to let Sirius dictate how his own life played out. 

The words of Lily echoed in his ears: “For once in your life, please do try to get out of your own head...”

That’s what he’d been trying to do when Arun suggested they go somewhere a little quieter. And when he’d told him that he’d been on his mind, looked him in the eye, placed his drink on the ground and leaned forward to kiss him, Sirius was relegated to the fringes of his mind for the first time in weeks. The kiss was good. Great, even. Arun certainly knew what he was doing and Remus was distinctly turned on by the time Sirius showed up. 

And now he was stood in a moment of glorious confusion with Arun’s hands still wrapped around his neck. He glanced up at him, embarrassed. 

“Sirius is the friend, isn’t he?” Arun smiled kindly.

“Sorry?”

“He’s the friend you were talking about when we met yesterday, who’d got you all worked up?”

After a loaded pause, Remus nodded and sighed. “Sirius is the friend.” 

“Look, Remus, I think you’re lovely. And frankly, I’d love to get you naked as the day you were born.” Arun smiled ruefully. “But I don’t want to stand in the way of anything if there’s something there.” He paused, eyes searching Remus’s face. “Is there?”

Remus looked at the beautiful man before him and knew his answer before it came out of his mouth. “I think I have to find out.” 

Arun nodded and didn’t look too distraught. “I thought so. Don’t sweat it. Good luck, not gay Remus.” He kissed him softly on the lips and slipped back towards the hubbub of the party.

Remus looked around him. Every nerve in his body was on fire. He had to find Sirius. He scrambled around the party, looking for any glimpse of his friend, without success. He asked James if he knew where he’d gone, but James just infuriatingly winked at him. He rolled his eyes, sprinted into the house and up the stairs, to the room they were sharing. He knocked, tentatively. 

“Who is it?” Sirius asked in barely more than a whisper.

“It’s me” he said, suddenly not knowing what to do with his arms or feet. “Can I come in?”

“Okay. Okay, you can come in.” 

He pushed the door open to see Sirius sat on the end of the bed. His jet black hair hung over his eyes, but even so, he looked sad. Really sad. Remus noticed with surprise that he was wearing the shirt he reserved only for special occasions. 

“Pads, I nee-” Remus began, but Sirius interrupted him. 

“No, please. Please let me speak,” Sirius pleaded, his pupils as big as saucers as he finally made eye contact. Remus nodded silently, taking a seat on the other bed so that neither was looking at the other. Both stared determinedly at their shoes. 

“I’m sorry I cockblocked you back there.” Sirius’s voice came out in a feeble croak. 

“I think I cockblocked myself,” Remus smiled. 

“Listen, there’s something I need to tell you - have been trying to tell you for some time now, but I don’t know how to put it into words,” Sirius said quietly. 

“Just... say what you feel.” 

“Okay. What I feel, yes. Okay, here goes.” He inhaled deeply and swallowed. “I feel like if you’re going to be with a guy. And kiss a guy. And maybe even... love a guy, then surely... oh God. Surely... that guy... should be me?”

He couldn’t believe he’d said it. Nor could Remus. The words hung between them like a beautiful golden thread, suspended in the air. 

He couldn’t stop there, so he carried on. 

“Remus, I have come to think of you as much more than a friend. I honestly think you’re the greatest person to ever set foot on this planet. And it’s become... problematic. I think about you pretty much constantly. You are so warm and funny. You’re super clever and I respect you big time. Honestly, sometimes, I think I’ve gone insane with the amount I like you. I love the way you kick my arse and make me want to be better. I love your obscenely long eyelashes and the little noises you make to yourself when you’re concentrating on some impossible arithmancy question. I even love your fucking stupid jumpers and the ridiculous old man pants you wear. But also, and perhaps most importantly, I just want to rip those ridiculous pants off and touch you, and kiss you, and give you pleasure like you’ve never known before.”

“Pads, I-” 

“Remus, I need to get this all out, is that okay? Once it’s out, I’ll feel better no matter what.” 

“Okay.” 

“I know this is ridiculously weird for you, and that you haven’t asked for any of it. But I’ve seen you with various girls over the years. And that has become increasingly difficult. By the time you were with Harriet, I just wanted to shake you and tell you that she couldn’t love you like I could. I honestly thought the jealousy would eat me up.” Sirius was on a roll now. 

“But how I felt when you were with her was nothing compared to how I felt tonight, seeing you with him. I suppose if we couldn’t be together because you were straight, that’s something I could live with. And I could just sort of quietly be in love with you, knowing it would go nowhere while you got married and had babies and I’d be Old Batchelor Uncle Sirius or something, living just far away enough that it’s not super weird.”

He paused and braved a glance at the other boy, which he instantly regretted as it made things so much harder. “But if we can’t be together even though you like men, it will mean that you just don’t Iike me. And that makes me feel so... oh God, it’s just the worst thing ever, I can’t even begin to explain.” 

Remus sat in silence, still looking down. His face was a picture of concentration. Sirius wanted to respect his thinking time, but every second was excruciating. 

“The thing is, Pads,” he began eventually, his voice quiet and hoarse, “I could sit here, and look into your eyes, and tell you that I really like you too. That I want to kiss you and have thought about doing so every day for really quite a long time. That I want my own piece of you now after years of watching woman after woman take her turn. I could tell you that it’s you I think of when I wank, and you I think of when I wake up after the full moon, before I can even remember my own fucking name. I could tell you all of that, and none of it would be a lie. Hearing you say all those things is... well... wonderful. But even if you were mine, I would find it so difficult to sit back and watch while countless other people wanted a piece of you. Just look at you!” Remus continued, finally turning to face his friend. “You are the best looking person I’ve ever met. Honestly, ever. Everyone falls in love with you the second they meet you. When I met you, aged eleven, I knew straight away that I wanted to centre my whole life around you, basically. But I’m an anemic, bookish werewolf. And you’re a fucking demi-God. You’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a haircut, because temptation is everywhere and people just throw themselves at you! We exist in different universes, you and I. Next to you, I look like some sort of lanky, mousy... cheese goblin.” 

“A cheese goblin, eh?” Sirius shot Remus one of his usual cocky grins, which broke the ice and they both allowed themselves a nervous little giggle. 

“You know what I mean!”

Sirius stood up. He walked over to Remus’s bed and held out his hand to help him up. Remus stood so that they were face to face. Sirius laced their fingers together.

“Remus Lupin, I am so fucking sick of everyone in the world knowing how incredible you are but you. No, don’t shake your head,” he continued. “I am not out of your league, dummie. How could I be? How could anyone? You are in a league of your own. And fuck everyone else. I mean it, fuck them. It’s you I want. Just you. I couldn’t give a fuck about anyone other than you. Besides, werewolves are badass and you know it.”

He continued “So if you don’t want to be with me because you don’t feel that way about me, just stop me now. I think I can still be your friend, and pretend that I never said a word. I really can try. But don’t you dare discount this before it’s even begun because you think it will be difficult. It obviously will be. But I think it could be something really big. And I promise you that I’ll make it as easy as it can be to live life as a gay werewolf who could kill me once a month if we judge things slightly wrong!” 

Remus was smiling. He looked at the beautiful man before him and was suddenly filled with a profound sense of sadness. The war was brewing. And Remus knew what that meant. It meant that not all of his friendship group of young, brilliant witches and wizards would make it out alive. He knew Sirius knew it too. But they had to fight. To fight tooth and nail against evil and darkness and discrimination. They had to fight for love and passion and justice. And if he and Sirius were going to die, they bloody well needed to live each day they had left in the meantime without a single regret. 

He looked right into Sirius’s steely eyes. He frowned slightly and his pupils dilated. He pulled Sirius towards him with sudden certainty and kissed him firmly, just for a second, before pulling away. Sirius looked at him with incredulity, his mouth forming a little ‘o’ shape, and he had never looked more strikingly... pretty. Remus started to explain himself but Sirius silenced him, quirking an eyebrow and pulling him close into a deep and filthy kiss. Remus’s arms laced tenderly around his waist and they pressed up against each other, not able to get close enough after months of fantasising. 

After several minutes, Remus was the first to pull away, beaming. His arms remained on Sirius’s waist and he squeezed him gently. “You’re predictably good at that,” he smiled, aching for more. 

Sirius didn’t say anything, just moaned gently and kissed Remus again. He could feel his erection against his leg and was suddenly aware that this was where his expertise ended. 

“Moony, I’ve got no idea what I’m doing!” he giggled. “I’ve never done this with a guy!” 

“Well my first intimate experience with someone of the same sex was approximately twenty-three minutes ago.” Remus grinned feverishly “I’m no expert.” 

“What do you say we take it slowly?” Sirius suggested, “learn it all together?” 

Remus nodded “Slow sounds good. We can still kiss, right?” 

He answered to the affirmative with a slow and tender kiss as he enveloped Remus in his arms. Remus’s tongue snuck tentatively into his mouth. It was brilliant. Then his hand was grabbing Sirius’s arse. And that was brilliant too. He couldn’t believe that they had wasted so much of their lives not doing this. It was so much better than he had ever imagined. The taste, feel, touch of Remus was so enthralling he thought he might keel over. He heard a (very manly) little squeak escape his mouth. 

“Very manly.” Remus grinned, tearing his lips away from Sirius’s. 

“That’s me! Red blooded, macho man, me!” Sirius grinned.

“Ha! You and me both.” Remus squeezed his hand. “What’s wrong?” He asked on seeing Sirius’s face which was scrunched in thought, his black eyebrows as always too expressive for his own good. 

“Nothing’s wrong. Everything is very right indeed. I just... I just can’t believe you like me. I mean, you know me! All of me! The pranks and the potty mouth and the stupid sense of humour, and you like me anyway.” 

“I do,” Remus nodded seriously. “I really, really do.” 

“I can’t believe you kissed a boy.”

“Two boys.” 

“That’s right, two boys! In one evening. I think you’re turning into a bit of a tart, Moony.” 

“You’re obviously rubbing off on me.”

“Ha, that’ll come later, promise!” He waggled his eyebrows and kissed him again. Because he could. Because he was allowed to now, and wasn’t that marvellous? He wanted to do it all night, but he remembered that they were at a party and they should maybe make an appearance sooner rather than later. It was probably impolite to snog the night away while the Potters schmoozed with their cerebral and successful friends. 

Remus, reading his mind, suggested that they go back down, if only for a little while. Sirius nodded and kissed him hard before taking his hand and leading him downstairs. Both of them knew that the wizarding world of 1976 was not quite ready for a gay love affair to be shoved in their faces so they loosened hands at the door to the garden, turned, and nodded at each other, ready to face the world. 

“I can drink a beer now.” Sirius smiled as they sauntered to the drinks table, noticing that his shoulders were more relaxed than they had felt in months, years maybe. “Was too nervous to stomach it before.”

“The thought of you being nervous is... alien.” Remus laughed. 

“You make me nervous.” 

“And you surprise me daily. Which one would you like?” 

Sirius opted for a golden ale which Remus opened for him with an ornate, brass bottle opener. He handed it to him, brushing his fingers against his hand and leaving them there for a second too long. Nobody was watching, of course, but it felt illicit and sacred. They looked at each other knowingly and waltzed over to where James and Lily were standing, chatting to an elderly man with a beard that brushed the floor. 

“So I dived past Keeley and grabbed the quaffle, dead fast, like. Nobody knew what had hit them. I passed it stealthily to Sirius- oh here you are, mate. Was wondering where you’d got to. This is Blorvid Balkovich; he writes for the Prophet.” 

“No need to explain.” Sirius flashed his well-bred, charming grin, “Your quidditch column is legendary. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr Balkovich. This is my... friend Remus. He’s a budding journalist himself and founder of the Hogwarts Herald.”

“Splendid, splendid!” the ancient man enthused. “And do you play quidditch, young man?” 

“Ah, well I’m afraid that’s where my talents expire, Mr Balkovich. I love to watch these two but I’m no sportsman myself.” 

“Nevermind, eh. I too was always wretched on a broomstick. Love the sport though, oh yes! Oh goodness, is that Pierre Bolshetec over there!? Gosh, what a party! Please excuse me folks, I must introduce myself!” and he pootled off towards a lanky ginger wizard with teal robes who was mulling around the pudding table awkwardly. 

“I’m genuinely a bit starstruck!” James grinned. “Lily, have you any idea how many letters I’ve written to Balkovich over the years?”

“More than your fair share by the sound of it!” her eyes twinkled at James, the icy veneer seemingly having melted away for good. 

She reached for his hand, still beaming, and directed her gaze to Remus whose own hand was hovering awkwardly close to that of Sirius. “Why do you both look so shifty?” 

“Evans, we are not all that close, you and I,” Sirius laughed. “You will have to work your way into my inner circle before I will respond to such questions.” 

“We snogged,” Remus said, his tone flat and pragmatic. 

“Who snogged?” Lily asked, mouth agape. 

“Sirius and I snogged. It was lovely and I think we’ll do it again very soon, actually.” 

Lily and James were wide-eyed. There was a deafening silence which made Sirius cower slightly. Remus, however, stood firm, his eyes bravely willing them to respond. He watched as they turned to each other, utterly astonished. The silence was broken when they grasped each other excitedly and began jumping up and down, squealing in such excitement that some of the nearby guests began to glare at them and tut. 

“Thank fuck for that!” James grinned and shook both of their hands in congratulations. 

“Language, James!” Lily laughed, her eyes softer than her words as she fumbled for his hand. “That’s fabulous news,” she smiled warmly. “I’m glad you boys got your shit together. Oh James, you’re such a bad influence; I just said shit!” 

“Twice,” James nodded, his expression reverent. “You said shit twice.”

“Dreadful potty mouth.” Sirius nodded. 

“You ought to be ashamed.” Remus beamed. 

“So, do we get to hear the story?” Lily asked.

“Well, Remus snuck off into the bushes with Arun, who I caught with his hands in Remus’s floral boxers. I valiantly tore them apart and seized the object of my affection for myself.” 

“My boxers are not floral. And you didn’t break us apart, you ran away and hid.” 

“Same difference. The path of true love never did run smooth.” Sirius winked. 

“So Sirius ran away and hid. And I had to decide whether to carry on my amorous encounter with Arun, whose hand were definitely not in my non-floral boxers, or go after this one.”

“What did you decide?” Lily gasped, her eyes wide and brimming with excitement. 

“Well that’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?” James laughed, squeezing her hand. 

“Spoilsport.” She glared, “please continue, Remus.” 

“Well in the end, it wasn’t really a choice at all. Knowing that Sirius was alone and that my actions had upset him, there was not even a little bit of me that wanted to stay down here with someone else. So I excused myself and went upstairs to find him. He was crying-“

“Hey, was not!”

“Fine, he was sniffling on the bed. Summer allergies, I’d imagine.”

“Then we talked about our feelings and stuff. And I got bored and snogged him.”

“That’s absolutely not what happened. Sirius cried some more so I had to kiss him to shut him up.” 

“It doesn’t matter - you kissed!” Lily enthused. 

“We certainly did.” Remus smiled at her, then at James, then at Sirius. As if he couldn’t believe his good luck. James looked the same way at Lily, and in that moment, there was nothing the foursome could not accomplish. Their eyes gleamed and their laughter was musical. 

The sun was beginning to rise by the time the last of the guests had left and James and his beloved houseguests realised that they had forgotten that they needed sleep to function. They made their way upstairs, feet heavy and eyes beginning to droop. Sirius noticed Lily sneaking into James’s room and wondered if things would ever be this perfect again. His question was answered when he walked into the room he was sharing with Remus, who was sat on Sirius’s bed. He had taken his shirt off and beamed shyly at Sirius, who couldn’t have felt luckier if he’d won the lottery. Sirius stepped forward and cupped Remus’s face in his hands, with all the tenderness he could muster. His mouth quirked up at the corner and he touched his lips to Remus’s. The kiss was soft and sleepy and full of everything that had gone unsaid for months. Sirius took his own shirt off and bent down to pick up his pyjama bottoms. 

“I think you can probably leave those on the floor,” Remus whispered, eyes twinkling. “Leave them on the floor and let’s fall asleep together and not feel even a tiny bit guilty about it in the morning.” 

Sirius nodded and unzipped his jeans. Remus did the same. They clambered into the single bed in their pants, tessellating together as if they had fallen asleep like this a thousand times. They entered quickly into a peaceful and deep slumber, knowing that they could make up for taking the sensible option the next day. And for the rest of the summer. And throughout their final year. And maybe even longer.


End file.
